Melissa Trevathan was the speaker, author of "Raising Girls", and founder and director of Daystar. A friend told me of the speaker and the topic, which is what intrigued me to go again. Raising girls is tough for me. Although I only have one son and he is not quite 2, already I feel more natural in the boy element. Strange I know, because after all, I'm a girl. But girls and their drama - the emotional ups and downs, the "I am upset and don't know why", the apparent PMS symptoms at age 2...
Boys are just so straight-forward. Simple. YES it is pure, raw energy and destruction. But that I can handle. That is a no-nonsense approach.
But how do I connect deeper with my girls? I feel we have a good relationship overall. They are both so different in personality, different needs and communication styles. Different love languages. I truly love to see them interact and view life from their own unique personalities.
They do test me. They push me to the edge. David is always telling me "don't get emotionally involved!" But how can I help myself!?! I AM A GIRL TOO!!!!!
What Melissa had to say was wonderful. Simple and yet profound. Not overwhelming or oppressive. Years of experience with counseling girls of all ages and the wisdom that comes along with it. She cut straight to the chase.... girls need a purpose. They need to know their lives have meaning.
How true is this! At the heart of all females is a basic need to be valued, appreciated, and feel needed. To have purpose and meaning. Significance. I have seen in my own girls that when attitudes or self-centeredness play out, the best remedy is to get them busy. Give them a job or a goal to reach. Sure they "kick and scream" about it initially, but in the end there is always a smile, a sense of accomplishment and purpose. It drives the selfishness far out, and gives them a broader vision for serving others and loving God.
Girls need to know their value. The devil is at work, on the prowl, seeing to devour and deceive even the youngest among us. My 6 year old has said on a few occasions, "I just don't feel special." It always strikes me as odd. Nothing ever drastic seems to happen that would seem to lead up to such a statement. I always wonder where the feeling comes from. I always question my attitude and approach to her that day. But when I look in her eyes and talk about it, I see a frightening thing - the lies have already begun.
We have a foe. An enemy. He is strong. But not as powerful as our God. My girls will face these lies. I don't want to pretend they aren't there or try to combat it with a pet little saying or slap a memory verse on it. I want to let God's truth and God's spirit penetrate into their hearts. I want to be the vehicle of comfort and encouragement, leading them to Christ, who ultimately is the only one that can give them value. Mommy and Daddy cannot. Jesus can and will.
I'm learning to acknowledge their feelings as legitimate. Not trying to dismiss them or say "well we shouldn't feel that way" or ignore them. I don't want to over-emphasise emotions, but yet they are a part of our being. Emotions are not wrong. It's what we do and how we respond with them that matters. I'm learning not to hate the girl emotions - even in my own self. So often I shove them aside and suck it up. That's my way of handling things. To buck up, deal with it, bootstrap. Yet I have come to see so much in this past year how much damage that can cause and lead me to a twisted attempt at self-salvation out of my pain or hardships. What I am learning to do is acknowledge the feelings, the struggle, the bigger-than-me realities, and run to Jesus. Being tough or unshakable is not a sign of spirituality. It's just as much of a sin as letting your emotions rule you. Personally, I despise this. I hate whiners, wussies, weak examples of femininity. So to oppose the movement, I emotionally join the army - hair in a tight wad, boots laced, and clenched jaw. As the Lord helps me process this and detox from my pride, He is revealing several things to me. First, I need Jesus. Just as much as the girl that sits on the couch everyday with a box of kleenex, a bag of chocolates, and a sappy movie as she wallows in her plight. Just as much. Seeing I am needy sounds so basic, but He has had to let me crash and burn to go back to this basic truth of the faith. And it's really so freeing! When I do fail or flop, there is no judgement. Nothing to perform. Nothing to prove or handle. I simply fall into Jesus and find sweet rest! What freedom. Truly. Freedom. Secondly, He's showing me how He created me. We do not all fit a mold. Do some girls cry more? Yes. Do some girls like to do hard things? Yes. I'm learning to embrace who He made me to be, without judging those that aren't like me or trying to be something I'm not. Isn't this just like Jesus!? Balance. I'm asking Him to let me be who He made me to be and show me how I can showcase elements of His character.... not trying to have my own reality show. "Steal my show" as Toby Mac would say.
The other factor to raising girls is this: Mom. Yes mom. It's not so much about what to do with them and for them and to them.... but who I am. More is caught. One of the things Melissa said that stuck with me... so stuck with me.... "Control is an illusion." Wow. Wow. She said when we are so determined to do what is effective, it becomes futile. Ouchhhhhh. "You can't directly change the heart of your child," she said. She admonished us to change our way of thinking from "I'm going to do all I can to raise a godly daughter" to "I'm going to do all I can to be a godly parent." Pursue growth! Again, this brings me back to letting God transform me. "Your child will stir you - stir your past, failures, needs, and holes." How true is that. She said "the most important thing about being a parent is being a person." I love this. So often as a mom we lose our identity in raising our children. We become person-less. I have seen this play out in many women's lives. Several things can happen. A breakdown happens at some point and she goes off the deep end, reacting in many possible different ways, attempting to "break free" from the prison she finds herself in. Often it results in either emotional or physical abandonment of her children. I have also seen the reaction of a woman clinging to her children in an inappropriate and obsessive way, smothering them by emotionally forcing them to keep her happy and satisfied. She is afraid to let go and let them be who God made them to be. After all, they now hold her identity. This is so, so dangerous and not at all God's purpose for us having children! Or some women go on living, lifeless, identity-stripped, an empty shell. Nothing to offer, nothing to be. A chameleon to the needs and lives of others. How sad and empty.
I love this quote by Dan Allendar: " You are the only you this world will ever know. And something about your life is meant to make something about God known in a way that no one else can."
That not only deals with how we should view ourselves and how God created us moms to be, but how we should encourage our daughters. This is where their purpose and value comes in! To glorify God by letting His character shine through their unique giftings and personality. There is no mold. As I stated before, my girls are uniquely different, and I truly strive to encourage them in their uniqueness and talents, recognizing that they have different strengths and abilities. It's ok for one to be better at something than another. We are not an "everybody is a winner" household. While one daughter rocks at cartwheels, the other can crank out some amazingly artistic creations. We praise and encourage their gifts, not create an environment of false equality in skill. We are all equal in value to Jesus, because we are His! But we are all different parts of the body, highly valued and purposeful in His kingdom. I can't wait to watch their lives unfold as they uniquely display elements of Who He is!
And lastly, I was admonished to mother out of love and not fear. This is so hard. Even the tiniest of fears often motivate us. We want them to do right. To grow up and love Jesus. To live fruitful lives. Our motives are often good but fear creeps in and intermingles with those desires and creates a toxic formula for legalistic and perfectionistic living. Our fears drive us to control, to manipulate, to twist God's word into a stick to drive our children towards the behavior that most benefits us. How sad when we reduce truth into a tool for our own glory. I have been guilty of this, throwing out a Bible verse in frustration and fear because I just for pete's sake want them to get along! There is a place for ushering in God's Word as a guidebook for living, but it must always be about Jesus, not rules. I cannot control my children's hearts. I can lead them to the Living Water, but I have to lay my fears there and cry out the the Savior that He would cause them to drink of His love. My identity cannot be wrapped up in how my children turn out... if it becomes about me, it will never be about Jesus. They have always been His children, who am I to try and take them for my own!? If we focus on fear, tension will arise. What is most important is relationship and connection. And leaving our fears to Jesus.
We have come to love this song called "Gold" by Britt Nicole the last week or so. Maybe simple and cliche, but that's ok. The truth is easy to catch and my girls beg me to play it. It is taking root in their heart as we talk about their value, their ownership, their preciousness to Jesus. So have a dance party with your girls and rock it out! May we be a tool used of God to show them their value and purpose in Him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9PjrtcHJPo
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