Bravery

I see others being brave all around me. Stepping out. Traveling the world, fighting cancer, funding a huge campaign. They are truly brave things. Things to be admired and affirmed and encouraged.

"You're so brave!" we proclaim. All the while, internally, assessing our own lives as if to hide the honest feelings of being sub-par.

I'm in a season of stepping out - being bold, a little more public than before, taking on risks. It's scary, and yes, it takes bravery and guts.

"Wow, your life sure has changed!" a friend commented over lunch. Initially, I felt insecure. Was I being judged? Do others see these changes as good ones? Am I out of balance already? Maybe I shouldn't be here, be doing these things and not doing others, and maybe I have it all wrong.

Yet as I reflect back, I can recall a lifetime of brave moments. Most of them, no one saw. They were brave moments in the silence, alone, full of fear. Shaky, but brave nonetheless.

I have a hunch you have those too. Your bravery is not highlighted or sparkly or acclaimed. Your bravery is quiet, personal, hard.

You're brave to wake up and get up, when you're exhausted, and do the hard things. To scrub poop out of the carpet as you potty train, to stay in budget, to hold your tongue, to affirm someone, to give secretly, to forgive a deep wound, to survive a trauma, to dare to love again, to not give up on hope, to eat something gross you know is good for you, to drive home instead of making a Target run. Brave is happening all over, and every last one of us prays it's not in vain.

Shauna Neiquist describes it perfectly...

"Brave doesn't always involve grand gestures.

Sometimes brave looks more like staying when you want to leave, telling the truth when all you want to do is change the subject.

Sometimes obedience means climbing a mountain, sometimes obedience means staying home. Sometimes brave looks like building something big and shiny. Sometimes it means dismantling a machine that threatened to overshadow much more important things.

We're addicted to big and sweeping, and photo-ready - crossing oceans, to be heard and seen and known and sometimes comes at a cost, and sometimes the most beautiful things we do are invisible, unsexy.

Brave is listening instead of talking. Brave is articulating my feelings, especially when the feelings are sad or scared or fragile instead of confident or happy or light.

Sometimes being brave is being quiet. Being brave is getting off the drug of performance."

That struck me. The drug of performance. Even if you aren't a people pleaser by nature, we all want to perform well. To get the "outstanding accomplishments" plaque hung up in the office of our community (or even Heaven) with our name pressed into the brass.

But it's a drug. A temporary high. Shortly the hype dies down and we search for the next seemingly big or brave break we can make to feel valuable again.

For me, bravery has been a journey. The bravest things I've done lately have actually been things I haven't done.

I'm a responsibility addict, a recovering one, I pray. The bravest things I've done lately involve letting go.

I let go of my fears and sent 3 kids to school. I was afraid I wasn't being all I "should" be (dangerous phrase - watch for it). Come to find out, they have amazing teachers that know them and pour into them and make learning fun again. Their knowledge is skyrocketing, because turns out Williamson County's education standards are some of the highest in the nation. I can skip through the sunflower fields that I don't have to go to another curriculum fair torture chamber of hell again. I can be happy mom with hugs and snacks when they get off that bus in the afternoon, instead of frazzled yelling and crying mom at 11:23am anymore.

I hired a house cleaner once a month. I was afraid it wouldn't be clean the way I would do it. Then I came home and saw my toilet paper made into the shape of rosettes. Nope. Fear obliterated.

I used plated.com and Kroger clicklist to accomplish my family food needs. Did you know the world would keep spinning if someone else pushed a shopping cart through the store for you!? Imagine that bravery.

I let my kids do more chores. Yep. The laundry and dishes and organizing isn't done to my OCD fancy, and a pair of workout leggings may or may not have been shrunk enough to fit my toddler, but ya know what, it's getting done. And society will thank me for raising more responsible adults one day.

I gave my marriage space. I quit trying to rescue, fix, help, and fill all the holes. I decided the Holy Spirit was in fact, capable of all that and more. I could pray for, encourage, and love my husband, but the Lord made it so clear that I needed to step aside and give them some man time. Turns out Jesus and David make a great team.

I didn't run anymore. Run my life, run away, run fast. I was always go-go-go and there was a reason. The stillness was uncomfortable. It forced me to stop, think, feel. And truth is, I didn't want to. There was a lot to unpack and ain't nobody got time for dat. There were needs to meet, people to help, a life to be lived! But turns out when you run on fumes eventually you ka-phut. To a halt. You can't pour out what you don't have. Stillness and self care are lifelines. Jesus and truth and writing and reading are soothing balms to the weary wounds of this life. So I'm making baby steps on that one now days. It's becoming my new drug.

The one thing I actually did do was learn a new language - the language with only one word in it: N-O. Ahhh. The most freeing 2 letter word. For so long I feared it. How it would hurt or let someone down. How maybe I wouldn't help the or rescue them or make them feel good about themselves. How maybe they wouldn't be able to handle that crisis or question or celebration without me. Guess what? I'm not as important as I thought. Nobody died. I cringed at the first few texts or phone calls or conversations I had to send. But it's like working out a muscle, it gets stronger as you go. Now I fling out "no" like I'm throwing candy to the masses in the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.

What are your brave moves? Or has it been a while since you let yourself be proud of your falling short. We are a culture that is afraid to fail well. To see what isn't working or isn't serving us and walk away. To see the small victories and the silent courage as doing big things that matter.

"The words tough, responsible, and should have never led me to life and wholeness...

It's about rejecting the myth that everyday is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling." - S. Neiquist

Go be brave. Do the small things with great courage. Get off the crazy bus of earning, striving, should, and tough. Stop looking for your name in lights, and see that it already is - by your everyday acts of bravery and kindness and self-care.