Renewal

I am still on a high from it. YES. 2 1/2 glorious days on white sandy beaches and warm golden sunshine. The ones I love like crazy all loving it with me. BLISS.

We do not have a good track record for beach trips. The furthest back I remember was one when McKayla was 8 weeks old. A hurricane blew through and we got a call from our neighbor saying our house had been broken into and robbed. We came home early.

The next beach trip was in a condo my mom got for a good deal from a friend. It was 2 bedrooms and there were 5 adults and 3 kids staying there. David had a crazy big job he had to do, so I loaded up the kids and drove down there myself. Asher was 6 weeks old. Had a crazy bad case of bronchitis and was on steroid breathing treatments. I was up with him every 2 hours at night. I was sleep deprived. Postpartum. Hormonal. It was crazy. By the end of the week I found myself arguing with my mom over which family drank the most milk and who should pay for the next one. LOONY. What was even more loony was David finally getting there for the weekend and as soon as he did his phone started blowing up with harassing calls from the bi-polar home owner he just finished the big job for, threatening to sue for completely irrational reasons. We packed up, and headed home immediately. Law suit #2 of our lives ensued.

~breathe~

So beach trips scare me a bit.

I must confess I am 200% a beach girl. It energizes me. Calms me. Relaxes me like nothing else. I am crazy about it and can't get enough of it. I always have this illusive hope it will give me rest and renewal. Obviously that hasn't always been the case.

But thank Jesus!!!! This was the trip of a lifetime! No tiny little babies. Complete and total perfection in the weather. Everyone healthy. No crazy work calls. It was a dream!

We decided to get up and leave bright and early Friday morning at 3:30am. That way we could get some road time under our belt before the kiddos got restless. They did great, and slept till about 7:00. We pulled into chickfila for some yummy breakfast and kept truckin'!

The kids colored and played for a bit, then sleepiness hit and Asher took a little doze. I was SHOCKED with how well he did!

We got there around noon and checked in. We unloaded, ate lunch, got on our beach duds and headed out pronto!

We played hard. No major meltdowns or disasters. Still really quite shocking. Asher's first time at the beach that he was big enough to know what was going on. He was a bit timid at first but quickly warmed up to it and kept saying "beach!" and "wah-wah!" (water) He loved it. Always wanted to be in the water with Daddy :)

We dug in the sand and buried each other, which was quite the revelation to me: I discovered a way to lay out and close my eyes under the sun while still keeping an "eye" on my children: are you ready for this!?!?! Have them "bury" you. It takes a good 20 minutes and they are right there talking, shoveling sand on you and patting it down. It even almost felt like a sugar scrub sensation if I thought about it hard enough. Well whatdoya know!?!? A spa treatment to boot!! :) So no joke, it was sensational!

We wore everyone out. Came in, got cleaned up, and I popped the lasagna I made and brought into the oven. Yummy dinner for our hungry bellies. Then we headed out to go get ice cream! I think we wore everyone out though - 2 were asleep by the time we got there - HA!

After that we hit Alvin's Island. How fun is it to look at all the crazy cheap little souvenirs!?

We got back to the hotel. Someone (name will remain anonymous to protect the guilty) stunk up the bathroom. I found Gabrielle doing all she could to ward off the scent ;)

My funny girl!

The next morning we got up and chilled. Ate breakfast. Watched cartoons.

Then we threw on our suits, braided hair, and hit the beach again. We were out there for a good 3-4 hours with everyone playing and having a glorious time!

 Dave bought a little boat raft and all the kids loved riding the waves in it. Even lil Asher! Who actually fell asleep in it one day. Isn't that the life!?

Chasing after birds...

Then we all came in and took some glorious naps!

I love how hard kids sleep after playing hard. :)

After that we hit the town to do some exploring!

The kids were concerned with Daddy. There were tears shed over the fear of the fake shark. I promise.

I always wanted to be the showcase lady on the Price is Right ;)

Get him now, while on sale for this low price!

Sweet girl <3

Then a sunset beach walk.... my favorite.

Haha, I love Asher's lips here....

They did this hand holding business on their own. No I did not tell them to so I could get blog-worthy pictures. It was truly precious.

Hahah, poor Dave. Asher has a death grip.

I got a sweet message in the sand. Melt my heart.

Inside for a late dinner and snuggle time watching Yogi Bear!

At the scary parts he'd throw Mr. Nite Night on his face ;)

Then he got a lil too comfy and fell asleep...

The next morning I got up early and went for a run. Nothing like the tropical breeze and beautiful beach homes to run by! Came home and got a shower then I found this little man reading books quietly in the pack n play. I love him.

Daddy got some much needed sleep in time. He never gets that and I was so glad for him! Meanwhile this little cabinet provided hours of entertainment ;)

Then... back to the beach! Last day!

Naptime in the shade with Daddy...

Chillin' like a villain!

We had enough sunshine for the day... just starting to feel that crispy feeling. So we decided to head out for more exploring.

Then dinner at Fuddpuckers complete with the live alligator show :)

Looking back on these pictures it looks like all we ate were crackers. I promise. We ordered real food :)

Then for a round of putt putt golf!

Then we came home, packed up, hit the sac and woke up at 3:30 again to drive home.

My heart is full. So so grateful.

God did a lot in my heart this trip. Lately I have honestly been battling the fact that I had children so young and never really had that free season of exploring the world, life, and my identity. I will not go into all the emotions of it all but lets just say in so many sweet and precious ways God used this trip in my heart to show me that in all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way. To think I have missed out or skipped something is illusive. There's no way to know what would or could have been. But I do know this: no lie, I'm crazy about this man, my 3 precious little ones and the life God has placed me in. It's not always easy but I am rich beyond measure. And there's no other life I'd rather lead.

What is Really Good, Remains

Wow. It's hard to believe it's only been 3 weeks. It feels like a year. A lifetime.

Three weeks ago we were told to "go fishing or cut bait" so to speak. Find a house and move or sign another lease here. It seemed to be God's perfect timing as we had just applied for a loan that very week! An IRS mix up had actually worked out in our favor and it seemed a strong possibility. We were excited. We were finally MOVING.

This little house we snagged was supposed to be a 1yr thing. We were moving out of GA in one week and needed a place desperately! All the doors had slammed shut. We had made several trips up here to find housing and everything had turned out to be a dead-end. The little "for rent" sign stuck in the yard just a few hours before was our answered prayer! Almost before even going inside we looked at each other and said "this is it."

And it was.

But as babies came and streams of family and friends constantly went, the house began to close in on us. We knew it was just temporary and definitely better than an apartment! But technicalities kept us from being able to get a loan, due to being self employed and a crazy law suit that lasted 4 years.

Then it CAME.

The day we thought "this is it!" God is moving us on!!"

We got crazy busy. Two type-A's. One recently dubbed official real estate agent and the other a desperate full-time stay at home mom, homeschooler, and people/party/host enthusiast. We were DRIVEN. We spent almost an entire week on the MLS, driving streets, making showing appointments, phone calls. It was CRAZY. We were excited. 

We found a lot of crap in our budget. A lot. Then we found one house in Dallas Downs we LOVED. But it was a little bit on the small side. And at the top of our budget. But so nice! The layout was fantastic and had a bonus room with an extra bath which would be perfect for all our guests! Fenced in yard. I cried when we left. Just because it seemed so stinkin' nice. 

So we drove around the neighborhood because we really liked it. A sign in the yard. "Coming soon". An adorable little cottage.

We called and set up a showing. A quick walk through. The renter opened the door and was NOT happy to see us. She was on the phone and was upset that the landlord was showing the house AND that we had kids. So we sooooooooooo quickly tiptoed around boxes through the house, encouraging the kids to whisper, hold our hands, and not touch anything. 5 minutes in the house and we decided to make an offer on it. We knew by far it was nicer than anything we had seen.

Counteroffer and it was reasonable. A crazy day of paperwork and a contract was signed.

Pending on our financing of course.

And the games began.

Oh yes, the Olympic games too. They were a welcome evening relief ;)

We kept hearing "manana, manana." You'll hear on Monday, no should be Thurs or Friday, no now Tuesday. It went from one person to another to another. Then to the underwriters. We waited on pens and needles for 2 weeks. Meanwhile our landlord wanting to get the house on the market right away or else have us sign another lease. We felt pressed. Anxious. Yet full of peace, fully trusting. Everyone I talked to kept saying "Oh He's got this! God is so going to give this to you!" It was so encouraging!

Yet I knew in my heart, honestly.  I didn't believe in a health and wealth gospel. I was committed to Jesus. House or no house. So often we think if we truly pray with allllllll our faith we will get a YES! Back off, Joel Osteen! Been there, done that. Gotten delusional. Gotten angry. Wanted to walk away from a "god" that failed me and failed to live up to the promises I thought I deserved.

The bottom line is He doesn't owe me a house. It's not promised for my happiness in this life or my eternal security. I was finally done with trying to wait expectantly on Him for a certain answer - my answer - and feel jipped when I didn't get it. 

I wanted Jesus. I kept my face FIXED on His. Gazelle intense, let me tell ya! People kept saying "He will bless you with this!" I couldn't help but think "He already has blessed me. A house will not prove blessing."

I'm gonna pause here. This is HUGE for me!!!! (!!!) You may not know how huge. Growing up in some circles of thinking we did, there were so many promised steps and principles to follow, and if you did everything just right, you were GUAR-AN-TEED BLESSING! (insert an image of a cheesy miracle salesman here) I swear if I hear one more person say "well God has something better!" or "when He closes a door He opens a window!" I'm gonna SOCK 'EM!!! Because dang, we are not promised that! Maybe He doesn't have something better - maybe it's harder! or worse! or maybe the door slams shut and the window neeeeeever opens! The truth of the matter is, He's still God! He still loves me! It's not results based. It's relationship based.

The problem is, we did that. My amazing husband - before even finding a wife - started building a house with his bare hands, from the ground up, debt-free, back in 2002. I remember walking through that house after we started our relationship and thinking "WOW." Really I was blown away! From a backwoods girl that grew up in a lil

Working like crazy on that house as we had the money. Dreaming. Hoping. 

Then along came a big job. I still remember where I was standing when David called me. "Babe, I just got offered the job of our LIVES. It's on a huge complex here and we are going to be working on it for months and will bank some serious cash! Just think of all we can get done on the house!" We were excited. Nervous that the job was so big, but excited. 

Most of the way through the project, the bottom fell out. The owner filed for bankruptcy. And we were left high and dry.

Our "debt-free" convictions went to the wind when we had to take out a line of equity on the house just to pay off the workers and suppliers under us. Then we decided to put the house up for sale. Because we were in over our heads now.

It was a miracle it sold. Being unfinished in a bad real estate market. But three doors down lived a family in a trailer that just happened upon a huge inheritance. Lucky day for them.

Saying goodbye to that beautiful house, with all my Pottery Barn dreams of the cozy window seats, the grand hand-lain stone fireplace and the immaculate witch's hat roof in the kitchen was tough. My man had dreamed that and built it with all the finest materials you could buy, so it would last a lifetime. He had planned to put his big family in there and live forever. He was determined to not live renting from house to house as his family had growing up. It killed me. I know it killed him.

But we resolved, it's just a house. Wood and stone. Home is where the heart is :)

And baby #2 was on it's way. A friend in our church had an investment home that he was working on renovating. He offered us a deal on rent if we would help finish out the renovations. Pregnant and sick, we both laid tile, painted, and spent long days and some nights over there, toddling Gabrielle in tow. But we finally got in. Lived there a year, as the law suit over the bankrupt job grew intense. The checks we wrote each month to our attorney were astronomical. Some month's greater than our living expenses. It was killing us. Inside and out. Looking back, I see how frustrated, disillusioned, and beaten down of spirit we were. McKayla was born. What a precious little sweet baby she was. I hurt to think how stressed and frustrated we were, we couldn't slow down and enjoy her. Enjoy life. The finances and stress of it all was choking us to death. My health was a wreck and it was affecting my baby. We decided to get away, take a trip to the beach for a week.

A tsunami blew in and our house was broken into while we were gone. Some stress reliever. 

We spent the next month trying to deal with insurance companies and be recompensed for all our losses. 

With all the financial pressures of the law suit, we decided we needed to downgrade in house and pay less rent to free us up. We found a little place that was 887sq feet and $800 a month. We grabbed it. We affectionately call that, "our ghetto house." That was the house we were in when the SWAT team came knocking on our door at 3:00am in the morning to evacuate us. The guy behind us had a hostage and a gun and was crazy. Oh and he was directly behind our girl's bedroom. Nice. So we spent the night in a SWAT truck which was quite entertaining. And I thanked God all night I had grabbed the diaper bag that happened to be stashed with goldfish and extra diapers. 

We knew something had to give.

We were so frustrated with life at this point. Work was drying up. Our church situation was frustrating. The law suit was at it's peak. We were EXHAUSTED. Confused. 

So we up and moved to Tennessee :)

Well really, through as series of random events, the Lord led us here. But it was, most definitely, crazy. Wonderful.

We snagged this rental house and moved up here. Only knowing a friend of a friend, who graciously showed up the day we moved in to help out.

That first year here felt like freedom. A fresh start! And terrifying. We were a nervous wreck, hoping just to make ends meet as Dave got his business off the ground. Yet we were full of faith. We knew God would provide and we saw it happen. Daily. One sweet lady in my Bible study that knew our story handed me a card one day and with tears in her eyes said, "we have been there. hang on. it will get better." Inside was $100. I went and bought groceries and was so blown away by God's provision.

David's business continued to grow. And grow! He is a man of integrity. Honesty. Word of mouth has spread like wildfire and He is doing incredible. 

Yet the law suit still lingered. Until fall of 2011 it finally ended. We barely made more than what we put in, but it was OVER. We could not believe it. It felt like a lifetime of ups and downs and craziness. OVER.

But it screwed up all our taxes and therefore making getting a loan for 2 years impossible.

We thought until now. But the word finally came: NOPE. No way. Closed door until 2013 when they will look at it again.

When Dave told me the news on the phone that day, I burst into tears. Truly in my heart, I just wanted to know - I just wanted an answer. The living in limbo was driving me bonkers. And yet I saw God's hand all over it and had the craziest peace! But somehow when He told me, all that pent up emotion just gushed out. I cried relief. I cried hurt.

I let it go.

Two days later, the homeowner called back and asked if we wanted to rent the house for the next 6 months until we could get our financing in January. When Dave told me, I was like "whatever." Really. I think I was just so emotionally worn out and had a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude.

So all this last week, negotiations has been going on. I've felt in limbo all over again. We haven't started school because I don't know where to have the school books shipped. I haven't mopped floors because I don't want to clean if we are about to start the messy ordeal of packing. I've collected boxes and packing paper out the wazoo and it's all on standby. I gathered up all un-needed items and had a yard sale. 

Willing to accept whatever the answer. My face FIRMLY planted on Jesus. Just looking into His eyes, it was as if His hands were holding my face saying "look at Me. follow Me. don't look around, just look at Me."

As negotiations went back and forth, it became apparent to us that the homeowner was wanting more and more from us. First he set a rent price, which seemed really reasonable. But then he was starting to tack on a monthly home improvement agreement, and have us pay taxes and insurances.... as we looked at it, we realized we were going to be out a seriously lot of money and be house poor. He seemed really nice like he wanted to work with us. I kept saying to David "maybe you can just call and talk to him and work this all out!?" But I knew. He knew. The door was closing. My emotions wanted to scramble to hang on to it. I was not in a position to draw a rational conclusion. But I knew. Dave made the decision for us to stay here and sign another lease.

I was frustrated because the Lord had slammed the door shut, then opened it again, then slammed it again. WHAT THE HECK!?!!? Anddddddddddddd how about let's be the rag doll's for this month's exhibition!

Today I went to the rec center to run. Dave was chillin' on the hammock, girls in the kiddie pool and Asher taking a nap. 

I ran. I ran hard. I listened to loud music and my hair was slinging droplets of sweat all over the base of my treadmill and I dare say some on the guy's treadmill next to me. (sorry, dude) The little old lady on my right kept glancing over at me as I kicked my speed up higher... and higher... and higher. She had this perfect Betty White face and it made me want to laugh because all I could hear was her saying "young people these days!" It about gave her a heart attack to see my neon pink and yellow shoes grab at the treadmill with such an intense gallop. But, dear grandma, I'm staying sane.

I left out of there and got in the car and pulled into a secluded spot in front of a tree. And just cried.

"Lord, just love on me a bit. Just love on me." I just wanted His affirmation.

I am fully convinced He sees. He cares. In the past I have battled anger with not getting what I thought I deserved. But now I see, it's Him I'm getting. Life is full of hardships and tribulations, but it is not ever without Him. That's the gift. That's the promise.

I know I probably sound like a broken record. I have lived, slept, eaten, and breathed "house" stuff the past 3 weeks. I know I probably sound like the crazy house lady. Mrs. Materialistic. Discontent.

But it's ok. I'll run that risk. Because God is up to something bigger than me. This hasn't been about a 3 week process, it's been an 8 year journey. To give up my dreams of what my little life would be like. To surrender. And surrender some more. And I'm sure the surrender will continue. 

Will He always have it be hard? I don't know. I honestly am not looking for results anymore. I am weary. Exhausted. Yet full of peace. As I think of sweet Edlawit, our compassion child from Ethiopia hanging on our fridge, I know she would think this rental house a mansion. Our aids-free environment a miracle. Our food, toys, friends, and opportunities as such riches. We were never promised the American Dream. Somehow I must confess, it's easy for me to get caught up in that without even knowing it. And then I come back to reality. His reality.

So now. I am tired and exhausted and really not caring anymore. Letting go. Embracing what I do have. What a fantastic place to be! No this is not my typical Pollyanna move. It really is Jesus. Transforming me. I'm not always smiling or radiant or joyful about it. I cry sometimes and feel sad sometimes. I know some people don't understand or are insensitive. It's ok. The work within my heart is worth it all. Truly. I'm happier in this rental than I was in the beautiful home David and I were building 8 years ago. 

Yet it is hard. Wearisome. Sometimes I feel we are the only ones going through this in our circles. It's ok. We all have our trials. I cry out to Him daily to fill my empty cup and give me contentment and creativity. I don't know why He keeps leading us on promising paths only to slam the door. But I trust His heart. I know it must be His protection. His provision.

I do battle from time to time bitterness towards the man that singlehandedly brought about the law suit 6 years ago that still haunts us today. I woke up the other night full of rage. Hurt. Frustration. And yet I know. God is bigger than He. It is not that man, ultimately. It is God using it.

I truly am not trying to sound pious. Or pull myself up by my own bootstraps. I've done enough of that in my lifetime to know I will go gloriously long and spartan-like until I crash and burn in a heap of mess. It really is Jesus doing a work and I look constantly to Him. He is softening me to His will, and opening my eyes to His mercy.

So here we are! I feel I can say truly, I see my blessings much clearer. It's like a layer of grime has been washed from my lenses. I'm enjoying my children more, and not focusing so much on my circumstances. So that is good. I'm grabbing life's crazy little moments and grasping firmly for that strong hand of my man as we walk this journey together. So that's good. I'm valuing friendships, gifts, service, and other's more than I ever have. So that's good. And I am waking up each morning with a stronger sense of my dependence and need for a Savior. My Savior. So that's good.

"It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect." Ps 18:32

"The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of them that trust in Him shall be desolate." Ps 34:22

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73

"God is too good to be unkind and too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart" -Charles Spurgeon

Remember Lot's Wife

The message at church 2 weeks ago was on the passage in Luke 17 about Lot and his wife. I've heard the story a thousand times but something that day hit me like a ton of bricks. Lloyd paused in the middle of the passage when he got to that part.... he said something like "think about it. Doesn't that seem kinda harsh that God would BAM turn a woman into a pillar of salt? What did she do that was so horrific? Just a quick glance? Like 'hey what's going on back there, all the destruction of the city?' No. It was more than curiosity. Her heart was back in Sodom. She was looking back - longingly - to what mattered most to her. Not that her God and her family were with her - no. It wasn't enough. It was what she left behind. Her heart betrayed her."

Read the context! 

“It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. Remember Lot’s wife! Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

Jesus is talking about when He returns. No one will be able to run inside their house and grab their stuff. He's saying if that's your life - your stuff - you're gonna lose it. Remember Lot's wife. As an example.

Matthew 16:21 - "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

In my whole journey of being in this "waiting" season, on many levels, I find my heart warring. Between my paradox of what I want and think I need and where God has me. It's not always the classic materialism that creeps into our heart. Maybe not the obvious desire for a new car or new house or new summer wardrobe. (or maybe it is) But maybe the ease of life you thought you'd have, the friendships you had hoped for or the expectations for your marriage or your relationships with your children. Really any "treasure" beside Jesus is an idol. Materialism. 

That's where I find myself.

I feel these days my heart is warring. Spinning out of control at times. I long to just sit and rest with just Jesus and it be enough! Days it is. Other days I am Lot's nameless wife, glancing back for another look at what could be, what should have been, what I left behind, what I will never have. I want "JESUS+". Ya know, the nice little add on you see on the "but WAIT! call now in the next 9 minutes and we will throw in the FREE double super duper set at no extra charge!" 

Yeah. Pretty sick.

OR maybe it's like the Nike+ I so adore. The little chip you throw in your shoe and it tracks your running, distance, speed, even can sync with your music. The "perfect world" experience for a runner. It's not just running. It's running WITH music, facts, tracking, and an automated friend to cheer you on and report your progress.

That sounds nice.

I think that's what my heart wants so much of the time. Jesus+. Until I spin faster and faster, searching and trying to make it all happen until I just CAN'T hold it together anymore and I'm on my face, ashamed before Him of my idolatry, begging for mercy and clinging to JUST JESUS. No plus. No obedient kids or organized house or perfect friendships or itemized budget or perfect body or super sensitive husband or days with no rain, spills, chaos, mess, disappointments, letdowns, failures, disasters, or unexpected calamities. We were never promised that.

Let me say it again.

For myself.

I WAS NEVER PROMISED THAT.

I find I am most at peace and rest when I quit fighting reality and embrace it, in all of its brokenness, and let Jesus meet me there.

This has been a tough week for me. But I can just hear His whispers.... "date time with you, girl!" That's how he calls out to me. It gets tough and rough and all through it I see Him saying "come onnnn! Let go and come be with Me."

This last week I do not wish to repeat. My selfish heart, my independence, my buying into the lies and untruths. But this next week? This next week I long for Him to heal me. To lead me. To let truth be my balm. To seek Him out and give Him priority in my days. I see what a wreck I am without His constant guiding grace.

I made a visual. To remind me. To remember. And not look back. To look forward to what lies ahead - what Jesus has in store - to what the light of His countenance leads me towards.

It's a jar filled with salt. A daily reminder to not be Lot's wife. To let my treasure be of the eternal and not the earthly. To let Jesus be my heart and not my own. To learn to live in the paradox of life - full of imperfection and yet, oh so perfect and blessed.

And to not look back. Or else things might get a little salty...