Longing for Home

Our lives have been a tale of gypsies. We have moved 5 times since being married, pretty much every year until last year when we made the big move to Tennessee. We grabbed a rental house at the last minute, thank God. We had made 2 trips up here looking for homes and every.single.one fell through. Here we were, lease up in 1 week and we had no where to live! A sign had just been stuck in the yard that day. Almost before even walking in we said "we'll take it."

The plan was 1 year. Get established, on our feet, then look for a home. But with the lawsuit and the craziness of that, financially on paper after 1 year we could not get a loan. So 1 year became 2. After an almost 4 year battle, the law suit ended. Praise Jesus. Oh and can I say it again!? PRAISE JESUS. Finally, got approved for a small loan.

After that point several foreclosures or cheap houses popped up. We'd go look at them, get excited, then something would fall through. Disappointing.

Then the opportunity to buy an investment house presented itself. It would be a quick real estate flip. Came right on the heels of Dave getting his real estate licence, so seemed God was moving. We worked a few months to find a private investor. Felt like if we did the flip, it would give us more cash to put down on a house. It was kinda holding us up until we moved forward finding a house on our own.

A few days ago we got a call: the investment house had another buyer, so that door was closed.

Within an hour of that, we got an email from our agent/friend. A fantastic foreclosure. Looked too good to be true. In the midst of a crazy insane work week we scrambled to go look at it. It was only 10 min from where we are now. As I start walking around and through it, I am slowly seeing every little detail of of the longings of my heart... my little prayers offered up here and there.... a fireplace, a fenced in back yard, a big bonus/school room, a guest room (because we have people staying with us all.the.time!), kids rooms close to parents, open layout, garage, nice quiet neighborhood... you name it! It was in rough shape. Pretty much just a shell, ready to be loved on by two dreamers and visionaries that knew a boatload about construction. We saw a diamond in the rough. And the price was honestly TOO good to be true. In this area, you can't get peanuts for your dollar. Everything is insane expensive compared to Georgia.

So we moved forward on it. David worked all night putting together the contract. I drove around and ran errands with the kids like a crazy woman getting papers dropped off and signed.

It was all coming together in ways that seemed too good to be true. Our real estate friend was buying a new house and offered us her entire kitchen - pickled cabinets, granite countertops, and fancy stainless appliances just like I like, all for a fantastic barter deal. She even had brand new carpet she didn't need - perfect to replace the dirty ones in the bedrooms!

GOD WAS IN THIS! We were sure of it.

And we waited. A few days.

Then David texts me. "Call me when you get a minute."

So I did. And come to find out it had already had 5 or 6 cash offers, so they didn't even want to bother with someone who needed a loan.

No.

And like that *bam*. It didn't really hit me at first. "Ok" was all I said. But as I started getting ready to go, I felt the tears come close to my eyes.

I don't cry much. I used to cry like a crazy woman in my teens. The older I get, the less I cry. I cry more for other people/with other people than I do my own stuff. Somehow I manage to toughen up and bear my hardships like a spartan. Not necessarily something to be proud of. But after all the craziness of the rollercoaster our lives have been on, I have learned I can't cry about it all. Because I would probably be crying all the time.

It was already a tough day. We had not had one sit down meal at home with daddy the whole week. Catching up on work after being gone on vacation practically undid all the glories of vacation! haha :) I called David and said I was totally worn out. All the craziness of single parenting plus chopping veggies all day long for this dumb diet left me feeling physically and emotionally weak. He encouraged me to have sitter come and get out for a bit by myself.

Food is such an emotional pick-me-up. HAHA! I know they all say "don't eat for emotional reasons," but we all do. When we celebrate, we wanna eat! When we are down, we wanna eat! When its out of control, yes I know its bad. But in balance, food was designed by God to be enjoyed. And when you are bummed out, the last thing you wanna do is munch on a celery stick.

But since eating was out of the question, I decided to take my little coupon to the nail salon and get a much-overdue pedicure. My purple toenail polish had half chipped off, and my beach bum feet were raw and dry. They needed some luv.

As I got into the car the tears flowed. It just all came crashing out. My bottled frustration was exploding. Truth be told, I was angry.



Looking back if I had known we were going to be here this long I would have done more. But I did not know. It was not in our "plans." I have given it to the Lord many times. Had really tough days when I struggled. Had really great days when He taught me to count my blessings. It has been really hard to see so many of my friends find their dream homes. And to feel left in the dust, still asking God, still wondering why, still feeling overlooked. I'm truly happy for them, and rejoice! But it's hard.

When you have grown up in the church your whole life, immediately all the good christian lingo runs through your head. "When God closes a door, He opens a window!" or "It just means He has something better around the corner!" or "When life give you lemons, make lemonade!" Or the missionary martyrdom mindset takes over "think of other people in third world countries! They are living under a cardboard makeshift hut! You should be grateful!!!!"

This is when a good christian girl feels like giving the finger.

The truth of the matter is.... this was my trial. And it was hard for me. And no matter how I tried to polyanna my way out of the situation, it stung. I was frustrated. Weary. And angry.

I shot a text to our counselor. "Got any openings?" He said not today. So I round up the kids and head to the Rec Center. I need to at least blow off some steam. Kill something in that gym!!! I get in there and on the treadmill and get a text: "cancellation at noon." It was 10:40. So I crank up the treadmill and get in a few miles. Determined to sweat it off! And only pray I can find a last minute babysitter when its over.

I head home, take the quickest shower of my life, throw on some clothes and downgrade my makeup routine to a little tinted moisturizer and some mascara. Throw the kids in the car and find a sitter at the last minute.

I get there to his office right on the dime and say "ok. I'm a hot mess today. And I know. I'm going to talk 100 mph! You ready for this!?" He smiles. He knows me so well. "Go for it."

I spend 30 min spilling my guts, crying, getting angry, letting it all out. BOY does that feel good! If you have not ever done this, I dare you. Hire someone to sit there and let you yell at them. It's quite therapeutic.

I tell him my theology is messed up. I try to trust God and have faith, but when it all falls through I struggle to know if it was His perfect plan for it to not go through, or if it's the worker of evil or if other people simply acted and He will somehow work it out for His good....? I tell Him I am disappointed. Because God seems to be coming through for all my other friends BUT ME. I'm the lone one left in the dust. I tell him I am sick and tired of being left in the dust and disappointed. I tell him I am angry even for God not hearing my prayers and not seeming to care. I'm tired of being big, and tough, and brave and strong and over and over and over again getting a NO!! loud and clear. Just plan sick of it.

I finally pause to make sure he has gotten it all. And he has. His answers are always so simple, but so true. He has become a pastor/daddy/friend/counselor to us both this last year. He tells me, "Suzanne. I am so sorry you are hurting through this. It sucks. And ya know what? It's ok to be disappointed. To be angry. To feel let down. You need to just sit in that a while. Be honest with God."

I haaaaaaaaaate wallowing! He knows that! I hate whiners and wallowers! And oh my goodness, I certainly cannot tolerate that in myself!

"But how will you ever let God heal you? Comfort you? If you brush it aside or stuff it down and try to think positive and move on?"

Hmm. Good point.

He gently reminds me that this earth is not how it was meant to be. The Garden was how it was meant to be. Walking with our Savior in close communion. No suffering or hardships. All our needs and provisions met. Yet we are fallen. Broken. Our lives are shattered pieces. "In this life there WILL be tribulations...." We get off course when we think living the American dream is a sign of God's blessing. It's not.

"You are a young, modern day Job," he tells me. "Minus the children and husband dying." We laugh. "You have walked through a lot lately. For some reason God has you guys in a tough, hard, season of trials. I don't know why. But it's ok to hurt. And to know He is still God and nothing escapes His knowledge. Wanting a house is ok. It's a real, legitimate human thing. But does God love you more if He gives you a house? Less if He doesn't? Are all your friends truly experiencing the favor of God just because they have a house? Hardships come in many forms. All you are promised in this life is you will have hardship, and He will walk with you."

I finish sniffling, hug Mr.DaddyPastor, and walk out. Somehow nothing I don't know is rarely spoken in there, but I am pointed back to truth. Reminded of the basics. I swing through Starbucks to get an unsweetened iced coffee (in and of itself, a miracle I'm even willing to drink the black tar!) and just sit with it. Letting the pain sit with me.

It hurts. Even as I type this tears are swelling up in my eyes. It's hard to continue on when hope is deferred. It makes your heart sick. It's a let down. It feels the end will never be. But I am confident of this one thing: God is writing our story. And I'm coming to see that I may never get or do or be what I long for. We all have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven. My agenda has gone out the window many many times. And it will continue to. But more than anything I just want His hand in mine. Walking in the faith I know I cannot muster.  Asking Him to help me make it to that finish line still looking to His face saying "please, be my faith!"

I know many believers go through hardships. Far harder than my own. Things I cannot imagine. I don't even know how they put one foot in front of the other. "In this life there WILL be tribulations..." As I read this morning in 1 John...

"For all that is in the world. the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever."


Living with eternity stamped on our eyes is near impossible. But reminders like these take us there. At the end of the day... at the end of our lives... all we have is Jesus. I know He will satisfy.