Being Refined... and Defined

I'm still on this amazing journey of undoing. Sometimes it is quiet. Other times the revelation of my true self, intentions, and masks are a shredding of my internal and a blinding light to my needy soul.

I am reading "Grace for the Good Girl" by Emily Freeman. Please. If you have ever been "good", go get this book. She really breaks it down...

"The shape and intensity of our performance comes down to two things: expectations and definitions. I have the expectation of myself to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife and a good mom. Not such bad things, until you understand my own personal, twisted definition of "good." Good means I never mess up. Good means I weigh the perfect amount. Good means I can handle everything, I don't look like a fool, and I never lose my patience. Good means my husband will never be disappointed in me, my kids will always obey, and everyone basically likes me. Good means I am enough. My goodness is all about me. Not only do I want to be a good girl, a good Christian, a good wife, and a good mom, I want to be those things in front of God and everyone. I want to be good and I want you to know it. I know in my head that my definition of good is wrong, crazy even. Still, left to my own resources, that is how I operate. If I fail to live up to my own standard of good, I label myself a failure. I lack motivation. I become indifferent, I entertain anxiety. I snap at my children. I want to be alone. I dream of Hawaiian vacations. I wallow.

But then something happens to offer a bit of encouragement, and I find the strength to redouble my efforts at goodness. I clean the house and successfully avoid the Rocky Road ice cream. Someone gives me a compliment. The weather is nice and I get a spurt of energy. I feel empowered, and so I try again. Then, I fail again. I don't like to fail and I certainly don't want you to know I've failed. And I'm embarrassed at the predictable pattern of defeat that my life has become.

So now I stand at the fork in the road: I can try to figure out a way to continue making life work on my own or I can admit defeat and accept Jesus' definition simply to Come."

Nail on the head.

This in so many ways is me! My cycle! I've been asking the raw and honest question lately of how much of my "strength of the Lord" is really my own bootstrapping? My own attempt at Pollyanna living? My unshakable good nature? My resilience  my strength, my Rosie the Riveter pride. I've squawked at others that need to change proclaiming "I don't get why they can't do what is right, It's just a CHOICE and you get with it and DO IT!!"

Element of truth there? Yes. We do make choices. But what I'm seeing is we don't define ourselves. Jesus has done that. He has declared us His, righteous, pure, brothers. Our choices are merely obedience or disobedience to what He tells us is best for us. But our identity? That's all Him.

I'm realizing a lot of my competence, ability, superwoman cape-ish-ness comes from growing up. I had a wonderful family and an incredible upbringing. Truly. Being the firstborn, I was very take-charge, get-er-done, leader of the pack, bossy...? Shocker, I know. I was praised by my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles on my abilities. At 9 I could get in the kitchen and whip up Chicken Divan like it was no sweat. Salad, homemade bread, dessert, and a fully set table with linen napkins and name cards. I loved it! Nothing wrong with my inner giftings. But I was praised for being so "capable." Mom's "right arm girl."

I liked the praise. YEP! Who wouldn't?! We all are praised on our abilities. It's human to give it and to like receiving it. And yet our inner greed and wanting to be affirmed and accepted latches onto these fuzzy feelings and we become an addict. We want more. We want to hear it. So we continue to do the things we know will affirm us and give us value in the eyes of others.

Yet I go back to my heart's question - is my strength truly Jesus working in me? Or is it my own?

In raw honesty I know a lot of it is my own. I'm pretty saddened and disgusted by it. My heart so wants to love Jesus and to live for Him, but doing it on my own is exhausting. It has drained me. And in the end I find myself almost bitter and cynical at Christianity because its all work and no reward. At least that's what I've made it to be.

Who can I blame but myself? I heard a lot of  "follow these 10 simple steps and you will achieve God's blessings!" And wha-wha.... epic fail. There is no formula. It's simply living for Jesus and loving Him regardless of the outcome. We live in a fallen world where so much is broken. We don't always get what we want. We don't always get the "blessings" we think we are entitled to. But did we sign up as one of His fishermen because of the cool boats we would be on, or the colossal fish we would catch, or the epic times we would have out at sea drinking Captain Morgan's brew and telling tales around the table? Or did we drop it all and follow the Savior because He's Him. He's Jesus. He loves us. His truth is all that is real.

This is where my rubber is meeting the road. I'm realizing the mask I am wearing.

We all wear masks. To hide, to protect ourselves. When you take it off you quickly see the eyes of fear. The protective guard is to prevent hurt, heartache, and pain. It reveals what you are most afraid of.

I sat and made a list. "What I fear."

It ain't pretty.

But I want the mask to crumble. Wearing a mask doesn't mean you are entirely a fake person. It doesn't mean you put on a plastic smile and everyone knows it. I feel like life is a Masquerade and we all have some sort of fancy flamboyant mask on. Again, it's our humanity to have fears and to want to avoid pain. We can be so incredibly real and yet we all hide behind something. Away from something.

Mine mostly involve the fear of not being enough. Disappointing God or others. The failure and mediocrity that comes if I don't try! Which ultimately means rejection. It causes me to believe if I'm not good enough and don't earn (key word) my love and value, I have none.

And yet.... is that not the opposite of the gospel? That He loved us - me! - while I was yet a sinner? That nothing can separate me from that amazing love? Not unorganized closets, or missing a volunteer night, or having a bad day, or missing my Jesus Calling for 11 days, or failing to do the fall pinterest craft with my children?!

The bottom line is my pride is so flagrant! I want to earn the cross. I want to earn the love that was lavished there. Before I believed. Before I knew. Before I accepted Him. I think I can earn that grace that is so rich and that love that is so, so free.

I repent.

My fears are truly just unbelief. I am asking God to replace them with truth and freedom.

I know He cares. A lot of my "mask" is my business and being constantly occupied. A sweet friend asked me once "what are you afraid of finding if you sit still?"

Freeman summed it up so well in this statement....

"Maybe you are hiding from remembering your past, from facing regret, from what may happen in your future. Maybe you don't want to be known because you fear people might find out you are stupid or wrong or that you don't know so much after all. Maybe you are hiding from your dreams because to face them would mean admitting they are there. And to admit that they are there would mean you aren't living them after all." (italics mine)

I fear some of the future. I don't like all of the past. I don't want to be wrong or stupid or dumb. But really, I do fear to dream. To hope for what may be. Because that's where I've been disappointed the most and the fact that so few of them have turned out just makes me want to mask the pain and move on so I won't feel the hurt that's really inside.

A great example of this is my desire for a home. It's a long story so I won't get into it all (I think I already wrote that out a few blog posts ago), but the bottom line is at every turn, that's something that has been ripped from me. Has God taught me lessons? You bet. Would I change my story? No. Do I wish I had my house by now? Yes. Do I recognize the truths I've learned about myself and the Lord are more valuable than any "wood, hay and stubble"? Absolutely. Yet as our lease is nearing it's end and I know that is upon us again, I shirk back in fear. I chose to not feel - not think. To assume the worst will happen in the secret places of my heart so I won't be disappointed  I don't want to ask God for anything because I don't want to be presumptive or have an entitlement attitude. Bottom line, I don't want to have an opportunity to be hurt. So I avoid it and hide behind "surrendering it all to God..." really my comp-out for being downright real before Him. It's actually more self centered than anything, because I'm trying to protect myself. It just sounds all spiritual by how I've chosen to think about it.

Reality: I chose today to just be raw before Him about it. To tell Him what I need. What I want. Layin' it out, dear God, please let me have a little Container Store luvvvv and let my daily life work for me with order, function, and beauty! I know a house will not be some "enchanted cottage" and all my days will be bliss, but to have a place we can make our own and make work for us would mean the world.

After that, Hebrews 4 was on my heart. I cried when I turned to it, it took on a whole new meaning....

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but One Who has been temped in all the things that we are, yet without sin, therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of Grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

He feels! He knows! He was here among us in our world and in our humanity. It was not a sin to feel humanness. In all this He says "Come." Draw near with boldness. Bring it to His throne with confidence that we may receive His mercy and grace in our need.

No more masking my need! I pray. No more hiding and protecting myself from pain. Regardless of the outcome, I want to know I was real with Him. The bottom line is I signed up for Jesus, not the 10 earthly blessings I think I deserve plus Jesus. I know He cares. He may or may not answer in the way I would choose. But I will not hide my honesty. I trust if the answer comes and I don't like it, I will find Jesus there even deeper of a well. I always have.

I challenge you: think of what you fear. And what you do to protect yourself. The things you do to try earn your value and worth. The things that make you feel suddenly worthless. In doing so I believe we will discover the areas we have shoved out Jesus and set up our own icon.

I just want to live abandoned. Knowing that I am fully loved and valued even if I am not capable, or if I disappoint, or if I don't show up with the best dessert. Because it is Jesus who holds our identity. Only Him. May we have eyes to see it and hearts to believe it!

It is Jesus who defines us.