Relentless Love :: 10 years

Today marks a decade. 10 years of being Mrs. David Banker.

It has flown by... and yet it seems it has been forever.

I liked you for a long time. I was always trying to "accidentally" cross your path. You came up and did a landscaping project for our family for a few days. I knew there was something real there. I knew our hearts would be at home with each other.

You talked to my dad and we began a crazy and redonkulous courtship. Corny and jacked up as it was, we loved each other. And we were all in.

You were building a house. A beautiful southern living cottage. You gave me a key to the front door. I felt like the richest girl in the whole world.. 

The "courtship" quickly got confusing and ugly and crazy. We both almost lost our minds. We broke up and 3 days later got engaged. 

We made it to that altar and although we were scared, we were sure. 

As I reflect back on where we started and where we are today, there are no words. Vast growth, change, expansion. 1 apartment and 5 houses. 4 babies born. 4 years in a law suit with 3 attorneys. 2 career changes. 8 vehicles. 1 robbery. 2 different states. And probably about 40 counseling sessions.

I see through the decade God's goodness gleaming bright. I recall our brokenness... the first year when we both almost gave up. We were both so stubborn. So hurt and broken. But we were trying.

Then we moved out of the apartment into the camper out on our property.

I remember late nights going to sleep in the camper by the sound of the crickets, wondering how many more days until we got our C.O. to move in the house.

Icy cold showers. No hot running water. Cooking pancakes on the grill on the front porch. Late night cookie bakes in the toaster oven. The sound of the obnoxious donkey next door. The little kitten that was possessed and would claw our eyes out in the middle of the night. The Friday night El Nopal dinners... the old standby... a #3 and sweet tea!

I remember the day we moved in.

I remember the first positive pregnancy test. The excitement! The unknown. The sickness, the exhaustion, the difficulty. I remember you there with me. The piece of dry toast shaped like a heart on a plate by my bed before my eyes even opened. I remember the box of crayons you brought home one day that we used to decorate the white walls when I laid flat on my back for 3 months.

I remember the last date night of being kid-free!

I remember a few hours later going into labor (timing FTW!)

I remember you pushing me through and being my rock and getting me through my first natural labor. I remember that moment we shared looking into each others eyes and crying like loonies because we did it. Together.

I remember bringing baby girl home and lots and lots and lots of screaming.

And more screaming.

Surely. Our "Noble Heroine of God" was here. Feisty and full of passion.

I remember the big job you got hired for!

I remember the big job going sour.

I remember the day we sold our house and moved out.

The 4 1/2 long years of fighting a law suit and 3 attorneys and big checks paid out and clipping coupons and battling fear.

I remember hopelessness. Downsizing. Struggling.

I remember us feeling alone.

I remember the second pregnancy. Feeling horrible. Renovating a rental. Exhausted.

I remember the power going out in the July heat and being 3 days overdue and angry as !*$#. I walked the halls of that house and finally went into labor. Speedy rapido babe was born 4 hours later in a moment when I truly thought I was dying and you got in my face and screamed at me to breathe. Second baby girl was here and we were in love.

"Pure Delight." Sweet one was just that.

I remember good friends God brought into our lives.

Doing workouts in the sunroom at 6:00am together. Dying out of breath like a bunch of fat lards.

I remember our move to the little yellow house off Marietta Square.

I remember watching episodes of Lost on hulu.

Bigger than life cockroaches in the kitchen at night.

Walks up to the square park for ice cream. Letting the girls play on the little train. The Australian bakery. Being asked if I was the kid's nanny (bless you, sweet woman).

I remember a lot of frustrations in that house. The lease coming to an end. Mustering up the courage to make a big move. Just because.

A drive up to Tennessee searching for housing. 1 week before our lease was up in Georgia and our housing plans falling through in Tennessee. Anxiety. Prayer.

A little house just around the corner with a sign stuck in the yard just that morning.

"We'll take it."

"Just a stepping stone house," we said. 1 year or so. Turned into 4.

Making amazing friendships. Real people who love Jesus and love us well. A church with a message of truth and grace. Our hearts opening anew to a fresh perspective. Best move of our lives. A risk we are glad we took.

Another pregnancy, a walk at 4am on Berry's Chapel Court in the balmy breezy air of April, stopping for each contraction. Yes, I was the crazy woman squatting in the middle of the street. A long awaited boy born in that living room. So much emotion and joy.

Our "Happy Arm of God" was born. And he did bring so much light and happiness.

Popcicles and little tikes cars and doing the kid life.

Momma going crazy in crammed quarters. Daily grasping for nuggets of gratefulness.

Building our business here. One job leading to the next. God's provision.

Law suit, at last, ending.

Relief.

Only months later, the threat of another.

Gripping fear.

Leaving our Florida vacation the day after we got there.

A miracle.

A breakdown.

Unknown. Hurt. Loss. Undoing.

A desperate phone call.

A God-send of a mentor in our lives.

Months of breaking it all down. Letting God undo us. Letting Him rebuild. Not being sure what would be at the end, but daring to walk the unknown.

Anger.

More Anger.

Honest conversations with God.

Coming apart so we could come together stronger.

God rebuilds.

He's relentless.

Learning what it means to love without strings attached. To let each other be who God created them to be. To get off the co-dependent crazy train. To quit trying to control each other. To grant freedom and to receive it. To learn to love again.

Finding a new normal.

A re-proposal. A signant of God doing a new thing.

A celebration in Nashville for the weekend!

Surprise, baby #4 on the way ;)

Sickness.

Long days.

Hormones on the loose.

A patient man.

3 days late again.

A baby girl born in that same living room in crazy amounts of peace.

"Bright Freedom." God was doing something new. She was proof of it.

Beating our heads against a wall trying to buy a house.... then trying to build... dead end street after dead in street (no pun intended). Frustration to the max!

Remember how we never thought we would get out of that house?? Just like we never thought we would move in the house we were building? Just like we never thought the law suit would end? Or that kid would finally poop in the potty!?

Somehow things end. Perspective. Timing, Patience. Growth.

Valentines day surprise and we closed on a house and were handed real keys. Our keys.

An amazing man that pulled every string in the book to surprise me and love me so well.

The craziest move of our life.

Now living in a renovation with 4 babies. More craziness. Everyday. Always noise. Always crying. Always a party. Dancing and singing.

Learning and growing with the ebbs and flows of life.

You are patient with me. You guide my heart to truth. You let me be who I am. I find immense comfort with you and yet the challenge to open my heart up to Jesus.

I have never known a man more diligent, more giving, more selfless. You dream, you pursue. You keep your priorities straight.

I've seen you grow. Break down. And flourish all the more. Pruning has done well for you. You have opened yourself up to His process.

You never give up on me. On us. When its exhausting or boring or exciting or passionate or lonely or busy... you're faithful.

Thank you.

A decade is a lot of life. And yet I know we are only beginning. Your love is relentless... because His grace is.

Grateful to be your comrade. To do life with you. To be a witness to each other's journey.

God is writing our story! Of this I have no doubt. As I reflect back on these last 10 years and write out this journey I know its just a chapter in the book. I'm in awe of His faithfulness to us. It's a beautiful story.

I love you. Cheers to many more, my friend.

~Mrs. Banker

Best Valentine's Gift EVEH

My husband totally blew me out of the water today.

Not with chocolates.

Or a card.

Or a date night.

But he simply said "meet me in Cool Springs in 15 minutes."

I thought we were going to pick up the van out of the shop. So I throw the kids in the car, in their pjs of course, because getting them all dressed would take exactly 54 minutes too long. I meet him and he leads me to a cryptic location. I then see a sign for a massage place. "How sweet!" I thought. Then I thought "I hope he bought a Groupon." Cuz I'm coupon obsessed like that.

But we get out of our cars and he looks at me and starts to tear up. Immediately I think "oh my word! He's going to propose!"

Did I really just say that!? Yes. I'm so tired and not rational these days! But in my defense he had the same look in his eyes the day he asked me to marry him. Does that make me look a little more sane!? No. Oh well, worth the shot. Yeah, 4 kids later we should probably get HITCHED.

So my car radio was still on and my theme song for this last year "He is With Us" by Love and the Outcome is soaring in the background. Not ironic, I know! See, God is a fan of Hallmark moments, I'm convinced!

Then my man looks at me with the sweetest face and says "Let's go buy a house."

I'm in shock! Right now!? Here? Today? Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

He then told me he busted his butt all week to push for the closing to happen today. Pulled strings and saw miracles happen. And he just found out 20 minutes ago that he was gonna be able to pull it off he told me.

He was crying and I was smiling like a Cheshire cat!!!

Total. Shock.

We haul our babies inside, walk in the room, and sign till our hand has cramps.

Surreal.

Done.

And here we are, homeowners!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm still sporting my workout hair/lack of makeup from 5:00am. But it's all good.

 Valentines day cupcakes and pens. All we need.

A few shots of our pj kids. Cuz we are classy like that.

Ya'll I have no words. Except that God is good. He was good when it hurt, when we couldn't see His hand, when we didn't understand. We know that. But today He revealed a bit of the mystery of His vast goodness in a real, needed, tangible way to our family. And we give Him all the praise.

Let me say that again: it's all praise to Jesus, ya'll.

This house came on the market the day our land/house build deal fell through. The very day. Our offer was in with another offer, but because we were a family with 4 kids and they liked us and accepted ours. We did not have the down payment money but is has miraculously all come in almost to the penny as we have watched David's hard real estate work finally start to pay off. God's hand was ALL OVER this. Peace. Crazy peace. It was just His will and plan and we know it without a doubt.

When we walked out I was still smiling and David started crying again (so us!). He sweetly looked at me and read me the most precious words scribbled on the back of an envelope that he was going to write in a card but everything happened so fast he didn't get a chance to. Then he gave me a princess crown key chain... just like he gave me when we were dating and he handed me the keys to the house he built. There have been a lot of rentals between that home and this one, and that key chain got lost along the way. But here was my amazing, hard working, faithful man telling me with all his heart and actions: I will fight to provide. 

Cuz he's pretty much the beast.

Sorry, ladies. I scored!

And it's Valentines day, so I gotta be all mushy like that.

Friends: thank you for walking this journey with us. For those of you that heard us whine, cry, kick and scream, question everything, and collapse in exhaustion. Only God knows all the ins and outs of this journey. It's about way more than just a house. It's a long story of retraining our minds, our hearts, and redemption. When we lost our first home because of an unjust business deal, we never knew the hardships that were to follow. Although God's plan is not always easy, it's always about being broken for transformation. For a deeper communion with Him.

I was cleaning out my desk the other day and found this quote which I love...

"Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son and says 'Enter into fellowship with me; arise and shine." -O.Chambers

I confess I had many moments of self-pity, temporal values, short-sightedness and discontentment. But thank God He is faithful to press into my heart deeper and clean out that yuck. I know for a fact He will be doing that till the day this stubborn girl goes home to be with Him!

So we are gonna eat some lunch and oh, I don't know.... head over to our 

~*~*~*~NEW HOME~*~*~*~

and start some demo work! Which we love and rock at, quite honestly. Can't wait to make this place our home!

And give this song a listen, it's been on repeat a lot over here lately....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJKZxB_Hx70

"Your Best Life Now!" and other Bull-o-ny

I am flipping through channels and I come across a beaming Crest Whitestrips smile coming across my TV screen. It's the "hour of power" channel or something like that.  There is a pause and dramatic gaze upward to heaven. Then the words are uttered "God wants us to live our dreams! To see our hopes miraculously and joyously come to pass! To live our best life now! This is what is offered us in Christ!"

My next mental image was every pot and pan I own flying towards the TV screen.

If only it were that simple. If only it were so. If only life worked like that.

Everything about our "American Dream" lifestyle says this is possible. All the pyramid scheme training power points display the pictures of Ferrari's and lavish trips and beautiful smiling families and health and wealth and friendships and having it all! All the ads and commercials and mindsets tell us that if we work hard enough, give it everything we've got, never quit, and scale the highest mountain with Miley Cyrus' "it's the cliiiiiiimb" soaring in the background that indeed, we will make it happen and reach our goals. Even churches teach this. And not just the health and wealth gospel ones. A lot of the seemingly solid Biblical churches subtly find themselves teaching and believing "if I do all the right things, God will bless me."

Or this one: "If I pray hard enough with enough faith, I'll get what I want."

Or this: "In the christian life, a+b=always equals c."

Or: "miracles happen when we believe."

Or: "if I am good and behave appropriately in all the right ways, God will see and bless."

So what about when the shit hits the fan? Or when we reach obstacle after dead end after obstacle? When life is inching along? When our faith is burned out? When God feels silent? When we are told to wait and wait and wait some more? When we are weary and exhausted beyond belief? When all our dreams come crashing down at the hand of someone else and there is nothing we can do to fix it? When we are robbed, cheated on, lied to, stolen from, ignored, abused, crushed, broken?

Some things are out of our control. Period.

What about when your life is resembling the words in Habakkuk, and it's all you can do (and really don't feel like doing)... is praise?

"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines; though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."

or in the words of Job:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."

How are those dudes "winning?" How are they climbing the ladder, living the dream, or having their best life now?!

Oh but they are.

To still praise? To still bless? These men are deeper wells than anyone that ever "reached the top."

The last few years of our lives have been a crazy roller coaster of disappointment after dead end after dead end. It's been unbelievable really. I didn't know you could reach so many blocked paths only to try and pray and find another road and reach another blocked path. We could literally write a book! If I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't have believed it. We have also had immense joys and blessings I would be foolish to discount. But in several crucial areas we just keep reaching dead ends.

I vow not to bore you with the details. This is not a whine fest blog, God so help me! But this weekend we hit another huge, gigantic roadblock. And we were rather shocked. Because God was just leading, driving us here, speaking clearly. We just knew this was His direction. And then out of no where BAM! FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK.

In the spirit of honesty, our default of late has been to crumble. To get discouraged. Sometimes depressed. To be angry. Confused. Disillusioned. Not trust. Lack faith. Doubt God.

Why does it seem to come so hard for us!? Why can't we just take one simple step forward.... steps that seem so natural and easy for almost everyone else it seems? What is going on hereeeeeee?!

Yet yesterday when the news hit, we felt numb. Before we had a chance to rush into our discouragement, the Lord grabbed us.

You see, He is in the business of ransoming us. Not just our souls. But our hearts. He wants to renew our minds. To throw out old patterns of thinking and replace them with His truth.

And we recognize we've believed a LIE.

The lie that if we follow God and do what is right, He will bless us.

And our version of blessing is carnal, quite frankly: we want direction, provision, and material goods.

His blessing that is promised are things like peace, comfort, companionship, and grace.

In the moment Dave and I sat on a bench outside of church and cried. Sweet tears, because in a way we knew He was near. Showing up again. Even if it was a FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK. Here He was, leading.

I looked at my sweet man's face. A face that is a fighter, that give his all and then some to provide and lead our family. A face that looks to God with all He has for direction and wisdom. I knew it hurt.

Yet it was so clear the voice of the Lord in my heart: "I am with you."

What did He promise? All our dreams come true? All our plans come to fruition? All our hopes realized?

No. He promised never once would we walk alone. That even when we can't see Him, He is there. That He is writing our story.

That He is writing our story.

I told David, "All I know is that He is protecting us. That He loves us. I'm not fighting Him any more. My hands are open wide to Him. His design is my best. If He says go, we go. If He says sit, we sit. If it makes no sense, that's ok. Because He is our Father and He loves us and He is leading us. THIS we are promised!"

David said yes. God is renewing our mind. Changing our old nasty flesh-filled patterns of results-based Christianity. Because that is following after another god, truly.

A friend sent me this quote and it blew me out of the water and summed it all up perfectly:

"This is not a faith that produces optimism. This is a faith that produces a defiant hope that God is still writing the story; and that, despite darkness, a light shines; and that God can redeem our crap; and that beauty matters; at that despite every disappointing thing we have ever done or have ever endured, there is no hell from which resurrection is impossible. The Christian faith is one that kicks at the darkness until it bleeds daylight." -N. Bolz-Weber

My heart just leaps at that. It explodes out of my chest screaming yes. Yes. He is our redemption and the darkness bleeds daylight.

If we don't believe this when life hits hard and presses in, then do we really believe? I feel we should just hang it all up right here, because the true test of whether we believe what we say we do comes when life just doesn't go as planned. When our dreams get yanked out from under us and our hearts get beat up and our goals stay just out of reach.

Do we fight? Absolutely. (1 Tim 6:12). Do we rise again? Assuredly. (Pr 24:16) God doesn't ask us to be beaten down pansies that bear His Name. But we let Him lead - not a program, not a goal, not a plan. But
Him.

It makes me think of the verses in 2 Cor....

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen.

So to all of you who find yourself in the same boat (because I know many of you are), let me ask you this:

When life presses in hard, do you walk away or run to Him?

 David and are deciding we want to leave a legacy to our children. Of real faith. Of showing them that in Him and through Him and by Him we have our being.

That "getting it right" doesn't matter, following Jesus does.

That results are not the true test of faith.

That answered prayers don't always come, but His Spirit is always there.

That when the mathematics of life don't add up, your response shows your true heart.

That what He is doing within is greater than what happens without.


and a little p.s. from me - eat some dark chocolate and listen to this: It will help get ya through :) 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GJrIKGqg9I