My next mental image was every pot and pan I own flying towards the TV screen.
If only it were that simple. If only it were so. If only life worked like that.
Everything about our "American Dream" lifestyle says this is possible. All the pyramid scheme training power points display the pictures of Ferrari's and lavish trips and beautiful smiling families and health and wealth and friendships and having it all! All the ads and commercials and mindsets tell us that if we work hard enough, give it everything we've got, never quit, and scale the highest mountain with Miley Cyrus' "it's the cliiiiiiimb" soaring in the background that indeed, we will make it happen and reach our goals. Even churches teach this. And not just the health and wealth gospel ones. A lot of the seemingly solid Biblical churches subtly find themselves teaching and believing "if I do all the right things, God will bless me."
Or this one: "If I pray hard enough with enough faith, I'll get what I want."
Or this: "In the christian life, a+b=always equals c."
Or: "miracles happen when we believe."
Or: "if I am good and behave appropriately in all the right ways, God will see and bless."
So what about when the shit hits the fan? Or when we reach obstacle after dead end after obstacle? When life is inching along? When our faith is burned out? When God feels silent? When we are told to wait and wait and wait some more? When we are weary and exhausted beyond belief? When all our dreams come crashing down at the hand of someone else and there is nothing we can do to fix it? When we are robbed, cheated on, lied to, stolen from, ignored, abused, crushed, broken?
Some things are out of our control. Period.
What about when your life is resembling the words in Habakkuk, and it's all you can do (and really don't feel like doing)... is praise?
"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines; though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."
or in the words of Job:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."
How are those dudes "winning?" How are they climbing the ladder, living the dream, or having their best life now?!
Oh but they are.
To still praise? To still bless? These men are deeper wells than anyone that ever "reached the top."
The last few years of our lives have been a crazy roller coaster of disappointment after dead end after dead end. It's been unbelievable really. I didn't know you could reach so many blocked paths only to try and pray and find another road and reach another blocked path. We could literally write a book! If I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't have believed it. We have also had immense joys and blessings I would be foolish to discount. But in several crucial areas we just keep reaching dead ends.
I vow not to bore you with the details. This is not a whine fest blog, God so help me! But this weekend we hit another huge, gigantic roadblock. And we were rather shocked. Because God was just leading, driving us here, speaking clearly. We just knew this was His direction. And then out of no where BAM! FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK.
In the spirit of honesty, our default of late has been to crumble. To get discouraged. Sometimes depressed. To be angry. Confused. Disillusioned. Not trust. Lack faith. Doubt God.
Why does it seem to come so hard for us!? Why can't we just take one simple step forward.... steps that seem so natural and easy for almost everyone else it seems? What is going on hereeeeeee?!
Yet yesterday when the news hit, we felt numb. Before we had a chance to rush into our discouragement, the Lord grabbed us.
You see, He is in the business of ransoming us. Not just our souls. But our hearts. He wants to renew our minds. To throw out old patterns of thinking and replace them with His truth.
And we recognize we've believed a LIE.
The lie that if we follow God and do what is right, He will bless us.
And our version of blessing is carnal, quite frankly: we want direction, provision, and material goods.
His blessing that is promised are things like peace, comfort, companionship, and grace.
In the moment Dave and I sat on a bench outside of church and cried. Sweet tears, because in a way we knew He was near. Showing up again. Even if it was a FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK. Here He was, leading.
I looked at my sweet man's face. A face that is a fighter, that give his all and then some to provide and lead our family. A face that looks to God with all He has for direction and wisdom. I knew it hurt.
Yet it was so clear the voice of the Lord in my heart: "I am with you."
What did He promise? All our dreams come true? All our plans come to fruition? All our hopes realized?
No. He promised never once would we walk alone. That even when we can't see Him, He is there. That He is writing our story.
That He is writing our story.
I told David, "All I know is that He is protecting us. That He loves us. I'm not fighting Him any more. My hands are open wide to Him. His design is my best. If He says go, we go. If He says sit, we sit. If it makes no sense, that's ok. Because He is our Father and He loves us and He is leading us. THIS we are promised!"
David said yes. God is renewing our mind. Changing our old nasty flesh-filled patterns of results-based Christianity. Because that is following after another god, truly.
A friend sent me this quote and it blew me out of the water and summed it all up perfectly:
"This is not a faith that produces optimism. This is a faith that produces a defiant hope that God is still writing the story; and that, despite darkness, a light shines; and that God can redeem our crap; and that beauty matters; at that despite every disappointing thing we have ever done or have ever endured, there is no hell from which resurrection is impossible. The Christian faith is one that kicks at the darkness until it bleeds daylight." -N. Bolz-Weber
My heart just leaps at that. It explodes out of my chest screaming yes. Yes. He is our redemption and the darkness bleeds daylight.
If we don't believe this when life hits hard and presses in, then do we really believe? I feel we should just hang it all up right here, because the true test of whether we believe what we say we do comes when life just doesn't go as planned. When our dreams get yanked out from under us and our hearts get beat up and our goals stay just out of reach.
Do we fight? Absolutely. (1 Tim 6:12). Do we rise again? Assuredly. (Pr 24:16) God doesn't ask us to be beaten down pansies that bear His Name. But we let Him lead - not a program, not a goal, not a plan. But
Him.
It makes me think of the verses in 2 Cor....
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen.
So to all of you who find yourself in the same boat (because I know many of you are), let me ask you this:
When life presses in hard, do you walk away or run to Him?
David and are deciding we want to leave a legacy to our children. Of real faith. Of showing them that in Him and through Him and by Him we have our being.
That "getting it right" doesn't matter, following Jesus does.
That results are not the true test of faith.
That answered prayers don't always come, but His Spirit is always there.
That when the mathematics of life don't add up, your response shows your true heart.
That what He is doing within is greater than what happens without.
and a little p.s. from me - eat some dark chocolate and listen to this: It will help get ya through :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GJrIKGqg9I
Thanks for sharing, Suzanne.
ReplyDeleteOver the weekend I had watched Grace Community Church's 'Strange Fire' conference from last October. This morning, my cousin Cassie linked to your blog post and I found myself surprised at the similarities.
Although the conference was about pointing out the problems in the charismatic movement (guaranteed blessings among them), a number of the speakers pointed out that many non-charismatic churches teach a similar thing (as you wrote here as well).
I don't know what your roadblock is and I don't know whether the entire conference is appropriate for you at this point in your journey, but I do think that Joni Eareckson Tada's talk, 'A Deeper Healing' might be along the wavelength of what you're going through right now. http://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcpTMSL-FR-duvHk-xYVLOGCQRLnYBNxU
She's been a blessing to my parents over the years - someone who I've heard about from my youth and I found her honesty refreshing and yours as well.
As for kicking at the darkness until it bleeds daylight, I appreciate the attempt to put into words the tenacious clinging to hope in the LORD's faithfulness and the very real struggle and pain that we experience in doing so in a world that pulls us in the opposite direction of Him, but I don't think that there's precedent for that imagery anywhere in God's Word.
You'll be in my prayers,
.nl