Beautiful Life

"I'm on the ledge. I'm just sayin', Momma's ON. THE. LEDGE."

Not always so desperate. But yes, I was having a phone convo with my man 2 days ago at 4:30pm and it had been quite a day. Anything that could be spilt, broken, bruised, challenging, or loud, WAS. I was like geeeeeez! Why the sudden "I'm gonna lose my mind!!!!" feeling!? I was ready for happy pills, I tell ya, in that moment! The little men in white coats could come and retrieve me, after all, a quiet, clean, padded cell sounded like a FREAKIN' VACATION about now!!!!!

~breathe~

My amazing guy wisely said "you need a break. It's been a while. You're burnt out." I was quick to seize the opportunity by saying "HEyyyyyyyyy there's a groupon deal at Aveda for a facial today super cheap and..." before I could finish he said "DO IT." Guess he figured $49 was pretty dang inexpensive to buy back my sanity ;) Cheaper than a therapist! :D

The house was getting to me. Crumbs crunching underfoot. Food splattered on every hard surface. Toys strewn throughout. Paperwork piling up on the desk. Dishes covering the counter. And to think, I did not sit down all day! I don't ever turn the tv on, read a magazine, or talk on the phone. Between homeschooling, and cooking, and training, and errands, and laundry, and and and.... it just wasn't happening. I just couldn't get it all done. And yet I beat myself up about it. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be Martha Stewart, Barefoot Contessa, and Super Nanny all in one!? And yes. Classic me. Overachieving. Trying to make the superwoman cape FIT FIT FIT! I drive myself hard. I push hard. In every area. And as is classic with that mentality I do crash and burn. But it's good. It brings me back to the feet of Jesus, reminded I can't do it all in my own strength. As a matter of fact, I can't do it at all.

Rest. Peace. Trust.

Bliss came over me as let someone else scrub my face. Why is that so magical!?! She starts grilling me.... "so when was your last facial?"

"Bbbbbbbbhhhhssshhhhh, I don't know." I'm thinking.... do drugstore scrubs count!?! But I don't care if she thinks I'm an uncared for walking epidermis, I take no offense. And it really isn't important to me how well she improves my skin tone, I just want someone else to pamper me for a bit. To do something for me. How glorious is that! To lie there and someone bring a warm washcloth to your face!?!!

This is sad.

And so, so lame now that I am thinking about it! But wow. It just did the trick. I came home, sleepy and drunk on peace, to a man looking rather studly in his jeans and t-shirt, muscles bulging as he swished the water around, mopping up the crumbs of my life. Of my heart.

Hero.

Then last night was girl's night out. Two nights out in a row?! I must confess I felt rather guilty. I checked to make sure he was cool with it, and like a cucumber, he was. Not cuz he's a roll over dead kinda guy, but because he values what I do and values my sanity! :0)

Sweet women. Fruity drinks. Going deep. Shedding tears. Way too loud and obnoxious. Laughing hysterically. Whispering our secrets. Just like little girls, we are. And how glorious it is to be that for just a few moments! The mommy cloth comes off and we are just us. Just individuals. Just girls.

REFUEL! I thank God for putting me in a place with so many amazing women. In many different circles. That I connect with on many different levels. I've never had that and truly cherish it. It's a community of support and what a gift that is!

I read an article the other day about how full time stay at home mom's tend to be the most depressed of women, according to a recent Gallop poll. They were saying the happiest were those that worked part time/mommy the other. I can see why! They feel fulfilled on many different levels. The article was urging stay at home moms to make sure they are living balanced. Not to cocoon. Connecting with community. Service opportunities. Education advancement. Hobbies/passions. I realized that the reason I am not on a daily dose of whiskey, prescription drugs, and bon-bon's is because the Lord has truly helped me to be able to touch on many of those areas. And when it gets out of balance, yes, Momma's on the ledge! I am more than just a Mom. It's a HUGE part of my calling right now and one that is very consuming and I am very passionate about, but I am also an individual. If I wrap myself up completely in my children, they will be grown and gone one day and I will crumble. I've seen it happen. It wasn't meant to be! My identity is in CHRIST. And living out who He made me to be.

Life right now is busy and crazy. It's a total vortex of insanity, inability, and bliss. I fear one day I will wake up and it will have passed. I don't just fear, I know. And my heart will break to go back to the days of popsicle juice dripping down onto the tutu or the cheerio encrusted face smushing onto mine to give me a "kiss." :)

This morning I woke up and reached for my Bible and Jesus Calling. I read the words.... "Bring Me your mind for rest and renewal. Let Me infuse My presence into your thoughts. As your mind stops racing, your body relaxes and you regain awareness of Me. This awareness is vital to your spiritual well-being; it is your lifeline, spiritually speaking."

So good for me to be reminded of! In HIS presence is the fullness of joy! (Ps 16:11) I have to slow down. To quit trying. To let Him infuse me that I can carry out His calling and His purposes for my life.

Just then 2 sweet girls came into my room. They crawled up in bed and Gabrielle said "read us some of the Bible you are reading."

Now that's pure bliss. I dare say, even more than the warm washcloth treatment!

I am blessed. And I know it. As Darryl Worley put it:

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life.