I can't stop loving you...

So it started this morning with a simple command – lets clean out the car. I had no idea what was in store ahead. The whining started. “But I don’t wanna clean out the car!” WOW. We all know the rules around here. Obedience and diligence. We all work together. The rest of us worked hard on our section and got it done within a few minutes. Gabrielle continued to whine, complain, and state how upset she was about this horrible chore. Oh what a tyrant of a mom I am!
The rest of us came inside. Started cleaning up in here. She came in a few times, complaining still she didn’t want to do it. I kept sending her back out there to finish the job. Relentless is my name. Finally she came in and declared she would NOT do it, proceeded to hit and swing at me and yelled “I hate you with all my heart!” WOW. Words not ever spoken around here. I would be lying to say it didn’t hurt. But I knew it wasn’t about me, it was about her rebellion. Not liking her job. Fighting authority. She was disciplined for her actions and words. We had a good long talk about our anger and our actions. Where it can lead. What God calls a fool and what He has to say about anger and rage out of control. The dangers of it. His mercy and self control available to us. How she is making her own decisions and will have to live with the consequences. A half-hearted “sorry” was said; I knew it hadn’t penetrated her heart. I prayed for her heart. Hugged her. And sent back out to finish.
Came in again. Got upset. Given the command again. Sent back outside. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I purposed to remain calm. To not let it affect MY emotions. To speak firmly but without anger (after all, how hypocritical would that be!?)
A warning was given: we will be having snack in 5 minutes. I know how snack time is precious to her. I said if she was done by then, she could enjoy it with us. If not, she would miss out. She got upset, stormed out the door and disappeared for 10 min. So in keeping with my word, snack had been served and she had missed out. She went out to pout. Then finally decided to finish the job, and she did. Brought in the bag of trash from the back seat. She saw McKayla throwing away her yogurt cup and said “can I have my snack now?”
I paused. My heart stopped. I knew if I gave in, it would certainly ease my morning battles. I was ready to quit. Weary. Ready to move on for goodness sake! But I knew it would be wrong. She had wasted her time pouting and being angry. I could not let it go. It would not be best for her soul.
“I’m sorry. You missed snack because you chose to be angry and pitch a fit. Just like I said, snack was served in 5 minutes.” This unleashed all sorts of tears and anger and frustration. Suddenly it was my fault she had missed snack. But it was re-explained to her that SHE had made the decision, and therefore SHE had missed out. Her disobedience hurt her own self. Anger. Frustration. Rage.
She called daddy to “tell on me.” That always amuses me. Like we are not a team? She told him the whole story, conveniently omitting her disobedience for being the reason she missed snack. After whining to him for 5 min, she handed the phone to me. “Just love on her a bit. Just give her a hug.”
Now MY rage was about to be unleashed. I had been the most loving mom on the BLOCK today!!!! I sewanee, if I had not prayerfully been in check of my attitude all morning I could easily have dealt with the whole 1 ½ hour scenario QUITE differently. Ohhhh my flesh would have loved it. It would have felt good. After all who would put up with such a selfish brat with SUCH GRACE!!!!???
I then battled in my heart.
“We do grace.”
One of our family motto’s that hang on the wall. “Yes, but what’s the line between showing grace – unconditional love – and coddling a child and teaching them that they can treat others any way they want in their anger and it not breech the relationship? Their actions not have an effect!?” I don’t want children that grow up thinking it is the responsibility of others to bridge the gap and show love when they have been the ones to offend?
Oh God! Mommyhood is overwhelming. Heart issues are beyond my ability to reach.
Yet your wisdom. You promise is there. Is given, when we ask.
Breathe in, and out.
I hesitate.
“Gabrielle, time to do school.” It truly was. I wanted to forget it for the day, after all I had already fought enough battles, I did not want to fight the subtraction battle. I wearily pulled out her chair. She proclaimed she didn’t want to do school. She didn’t want to sit there. She threw her book. Threw her pencil. Fight, fight, fight. I calmly put it back, disciplined, reminded her of the need for obedience. Oh boy, did I know. In my heart I was throwing more than a pencil! But to my Father, I must be obedient. I must train. I must teach. I must be patient.
I looked at her. Miserable. Sulken back in her chair. One butt cheek on the chair and one hanging off. As little “obedient” as she could get away with. My heart yearned for a breakthrough. That heart of stone to shatter. Truth to bring life and softness. I swallowed. It came over me. I could hardly believe the words I was uttering….
“Can I give you a hug?”
Everything in me wanted to smack some sense into her. Everything in me wanted to push her away. To say “fine be that way! Enjoy juvy hall in 8 years, punk!” But grace reached into my heart to reach out to hers. Her response was firm and definite.
“I don’t want love.”
Just like that she said it. What I knew all along. I have a little girl that is very “by the book”. She’d rather follow the letter of the law. Succeed with perfection. High expectations of herself and others. But unconditional love?! No. It did not make sense with her mental mathematical charts of x+y=z. It was irrational. Outlandish. And she did not compute. Not only did she not compute, but rejected it outright as blasphemy to her internal rationale.
Here it was, I knew it. The chance. What she needed. For her actions, yes she had to deal with the consequences. I had not let them slide. But now for her heart? The battle began.
“But I can’t help it. I am full of love for you.”
“I don’t want to be loved!”
“But I can’t stop! My heart is beating with love for you!”
“Just stop, just stop it!”
“Oh but I can’t!”
“I don’t need your love!”
“I will never stop loving you.”
“Just stop, just stop, I don’t WANT TO BE LOVED!”
“I will always love you.”
“I don’t want you to love me!”
“But you’re mine, I will always love you.”
“Don’t!”
“It doesn’t matter what you do or say. I will always. Always. Always love you. Because you’re mine.”
This dialogue carried on for 10-12 minutes. Over, and over, and over again. I began to weep. I knew what was happening here. What I was hearing. What I was saying. The same dialogue we have with Jesus. We fight it. We buck it. We don’t need it. We are fine without it. We don’t deserve it. We cannot earn it. We don’t understand it. We don’t want it.
And yet. He says: I will never. stop. loving. you. I can’t. I won’t. You can’t escape it. No matter what you do or say or feel, it’s there. Washing over you. Enveloping you. Holding you. Your actions don’t define my love. My love is SET on you.
After the tug of war between the love and the rejecting carried on, finally, finally, oh sweet finally…. She melted. Into my arms. And said “I want you to love me.”
We both cried. And cried. I called out “oh Jesus! Thank you! Thank you for showing us this kind of lavish love! No matter what! Lord Jesus: you were both obedient and full of love. Obedient to your Father – not wanting the cross but obeying to it’s call. And you were full of love. While mocked and scorned and belittled and hated you died and loved while we did not. Could not. Lord, please, give Gabrielle a heart for obedience and love as you have! Let us see your example and live by it. And thank you….. Thank you that when we fight and push away as little children because we are ashamed, or independent, or confused, that you never ever EVER stop pursuing us with a love that says ‘but I can’t stop.’”
After that she looked up at me with a heart that I knew had been reached. She had a refreshed, peaceful, tear stained face. Understanding had come to her heart. And yet she still looked up with awe at the great mystery of such love. As do I.
It makes me think of this verse:
Matt 23:37 – “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her! How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling.”
How often! Yet we would not. He sent His ambassadors in to tell of His truth and His love! But we were unwilling. Yet He still says:
Jer 31:3 – “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”
Rom 5:8 – “But God commends his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”
I am blown away by a fresh reminder of this inexplicable love. The chance to be washed over by it in my own heart. And the opportunity to lavish it on my children. Above all, I do not seek perfection. You will not find my children in a row, with matching clothes, not daring to step out of line for fear of death. I do require obedience, because God does. But what is He after most of all?
Psalm 51:16-17 – “You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
Hos 6:6 – “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”
I would far rather have outbursts like this with my child this morning, than a child that live in fear of being honest. As she grows, she is learning to control her emotions. That is vital. To handle them with wisdom instead of outbursts that result in sinful anger. Yet I thank God that we have not forced her to be a “stuffer” by an over-emphasis on outward performance. Many children do this and years later it all comes BURSTING out like a released dam, and they are damaged, embittered, and turn completely from the truth. No, I am thankful that even when things are out of balance and skewed the lines of communication are fully open and we can wrestle through, until the victory is won.
As much as we love to look at a child and see how ridiculous – how immature – how obnoxious and defiant this is, are we not but children in tamed minds? Do we not merely know how to bridle out tongues and not socially embarrass ourselves with such lively displays? Yet in our hearts lurks the same anger, the same “I don’t want to!” vein? We buck. We fight. We kick and scream. We just do it on the inside. And occasionally it comes out and catches us off guard. “How could we?”
How could we not?
Then when the truth of His love rushes over us – inexplicable and undeserved, we push it away. We fight it. Some by trying harder. Some by doing better. By purposing. By grabbing an accountability partner. By memorizing verses. We will do better! Yes, WE can handle this.
Some push away by running. Harder. Faster. Further away. This love is not something that makes sense so we mock it, act disgusted by it. Confused by something so illogical. We cannot embrace it.
The truth of the matter is we don’t know what to do with His love. And yet He says “COME.” As a child. Just as you are. You cannot earn it our outrun it. It’s there. And always will be.
So come. And know. When you say “I don’t want your love”, the response has been – and always will be – “I can’t help it. I love you anyway.”