What a journey. Seriously. The 9 months and 4 days leading up to sweet baby girl's birth felt like a badillion quajillion years of mental insanity and hormonal irrationality. Ok wow, not the most endearing way to start a birth story blog post. But yeah. I'm pretty much raw like that. ;)
It is, however a sweet story. Of God's intensive journey to box me in a tight space and create no margin for my head to turn left or right but to stare... straight at Him, straight into His eyes, wearing no yoke but His and be still and know He is God, He is in control, He sees, He cares.
I like wide open spaces and room to roam and freedom. And yet this journey although it felt restrictive was all about freedom. Freedom came where I least expected it and in a form unbelievable by the human rationale. It came in the yoke, in the collision of my soul with His heart, of my plans spilled out and His will relentlessly driving. I fought "the box" of my life until I was tired, sore, and worn from beating at the wind. Then I sat. In the dark. And I waited for Him. Waited for a voice, a sign, direction. And got nothing.
Then I was slammed into the face of what gratitude means. The triteness of it made me want to throw a fit of rage. It was too simple, too obvious, too obnoxious to be quite honest. But as my eyes opened to behold my daily gifts and my obsession with the longing for perfection faded, I began to feel freedom. To see a world of beauty and goodness all around me, and immaculate grace under girding me. I still fought my battle of the box, but yet somehow it was different. There were tears of honesty instead of punching the cardboard.... telling Him my frustrations and leaving them there. I found a Savior with a compassionate heart that loves me too much to give the child pitching a fit the lollipop. I found peace when it made no sense. I found joy when it felt hopeless. I found myself to be a selfish, entitled brat, as my life is filled with good things if only I'd turn on the windshield wipers see.
Freedom. Bright, hopeful freedom. To be who I am. To be at peace. To rest in His presence. To quit fighting. To live in the moment. To cease striving. To celebrate good gifts. To feel joy in the simplicity of life.
I remember the Sunday in church before Eisley was born. I was already 2 days late. We started singing one of my favorite songs, with deep personal meaning for me from when we first moved here to Tennessee... "Always" by Kristain Stanfill. I began crying because I knew, God had not delayed. He had come through. He was my Refuge and Strength. I did not have to fear the war, the storm... His promises are true. He always, always came through for me. Even when it did not look the way I thought it should. I knew the time was close and that He was bringing me full circle in this journey.
Ok now for the physical "nitty gritty" ;) For several days I had been having contractions off and on, labor pains, etc. Sporadic, inconsistent, but honestly just uncomfortable and making it hard to do much of anything. It was keeping me up at night, it was getting so old. I kept just taking it a day at a time, knowing I wouldn't be pregnant forever. Tuesday night I kept waking up off and on with contractions, but was half asleep (or trying to) and I knew they were irregular. When I woke up and started about my morning routine I kept having to stop and felt sharp pains. I told David I didn't feel good about him going to work yet, maybe wait an hour or two. I kept having contractions all morning, anywhere from 2 min apart to 15 min apart. I am always in denial when I'm in labor. It finally takes David saying "I'm calling the midwife" (with me protesting greatly) to get things going. He called my sweet friend Kim to come get the kids too. I was a nervous wreck at this point, just hoping and praying this was it, because I would hate to be putting everyone out for no reason! It seemed perfect though, because my prayer had been that I go into labor during the day so the kids wouldn't have to be woken and transported in the middle of the night. I have never gone into labor during the day, so this seemed so weird! But now looking back I am so grateful for this specific answer to prayer! We were a bit nervous though, because for this pregnancy I was GBS positive and knew I needed to get the antibiotic IV going as soon as labor hit. Ideally you need 2 doses, and they have to be 4 hours apart. One of my labors was only 4 hours, so I wanted to make sure I got it in time.
At 11:30 Kim picked up the kids and everyone was super excited and ready for a sleepover! The midwife got here about 15 min later. She brought in her gear and checked me. She said that since my contractions were only lasting about 30 seconds that she did not consider it "active labor." I was bummed but knew somehow that we were on the labor train and it would keep rolling. She said she would leave her stuff here because she thought I was close, but to call her when they are 1 min long for over an hour. She left and I sat on the couch and sure enough, they got longer and stronger. It was so strange for me - when I walked around, the labor slowed up. When I sat or lied down, it picked up. Usually I have to power walk or squat my way to progress, but resting seemed to be the trick. Fine by me! The midwife came back around 1:00 and said yep, you're in labor. I was having to really work through the contractions and was at 4 cm. The next 6-7 hours was just a steady, calm progression. She worked hard to find a vein to get my IV going. I always have problems with that! Finally got the dose. That was a relief! I sat indian style on the couch almost the whole time. Lying down a few times. Contractions got stronger and harder. The ironic thing was I felt so calm. So much peace, relaxation, clarity of mind. I was able to let go, feel the pain, and mentally just let my body do it's thing. I used lavender oil on my palms and forehead this time, that seemed to help. Dave had quiet music playing. It truly was a Zen Spa. hahahah ;) I really was in my "zone." Dave sat nearby playing games on his ipad, haha! He was there if I needed something, but as he told me later "you were doing this thing on your own, you really didn't need me!" Emotionally I wanted him near. But physically I felt very in control.
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The midwife assistant arrived around 7pm and brought dinner for Dave and both of them. Normally I love Macaroni Grill but the smell of it made me want to throw up... this is where peppermint oil on a warm rag came to the rescue! I sniffed it and it eased my stomach.
My midwife got the second IV going. Just as it finished, labor was getting super intense.
Finally I got in the tub at this point. It was a little too warm and I quickly got overheated and got out. About 45 min later contractions were super painful. I decided to get in again. I kept mentally telling myself I had a long way to go so I wouldn't get discouraged. I didn't realize I was in transition at this point. I got in the tub and after a few contractions I was taken by surprise and my water broke! With my last 2 when my water broke, the babies were born in the next contraction. I was in shock, excited, and bracing myself for what was coming next. I knew this was the final hurdle and it would be over. David was behind me outside of the tub, letting me lean my head on his shoulder and holding my hand. This was when I needed him most. He is my rock. I had a couple hard contractions after that with no urge to push, nothing. I started thinking "what if she doesn't come for a long time... I don't know if I could handle that!" Finally I had a contraction and pushed with all my strength. Then another. Her head was out! Then the most intense part... her body still inside! Never had that happen but it was.... wow... no words to describe! All I could think was "get this baby OUT OF ME!!!!" I pushed like my life depended on it for a 58 seconds straight (but it felt like 5 min!) as the midwife worked to compact her and gently guide her out. Even in that moment, when the pain was at it's peak I remember clarity of mind to breathe (I had hyperventilated with McKayla), call out to the Lord, and pay attention to my body. I knew I needed to push but was trying not to force it. At last she was out and they handed this wet little baby girl to me and I just cried. We all cried. The only thing on my mind was what I blurted out... "God, you are so good to me!" I just rejoiced in His presence, His guiding hand, His peace, and the healthy arrival of a new sweet one to join our family. Overwhelmed!!!
At first her hair looked dark but it was wet. When she got cleaned up we noticed it was more of a copper brown/auburn shade. Beautiful! And a thick head of it. When I compared baby pics, she looked the most like McKayla. Tiny little facial features, petite and sweet.
My placenta had some issues coming out, so I was quickly moved to the bed. It was collapsing on itself and my midwife was afraid it would create blood clots. Finally we got it out and were able to move on. Baby girl got weighed, cleaned up, a was given a full examination. We got all our postpartum instructions and Mary Anne and Kelly worked hard to clean up everything. Let me tell ya, they leave your house cleaner than it was before! They are fantastic like that. By now, I was hungry and the Mac Grill sounded good this time! :) David heated some up for me and we sat in bed admiring our baby and eating pasta. She had been nursing like a pro for about an hour now. Which is a good thing because her blood sugar was low, just like Asher's was after birth. Thank God she nursed easily and we were able to bring it back up. Her agapar score was a perfect 10, and she weighed in at 8lb 2oz, only 1oz more than Asher.
They left around 10:00pm and it was glorious to sit in bed and cuddle baby girl. We were super tired. We had a good first night with a couple feedings and the next day it was like vacation. Just us and our little baby, watching movies and eating yummy bbq the neighbor brought. I always love that first little 24 hours! David played a super sweet song for me he had been saving. I cried... like a baby :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7gjwS13smI
My friend Melanie had relieved Kim of the kids midday and took them to chickfila for dinner and brought them home. I loved their expressions!!! The girls were in shock. So excited!!! So in love! They were just 2 and 4 when Asher was born so this time was so different. They wanted to hold her, to cuddle her. Gabrielle said "I just can't believe this!" and she teared up a bit. We talked about how amazing it was that God created her - knit her - in my womb. Only God can do that. I saw on her face the awe of His power to create such a little life. McKayla just wanted to cuddle her and had a look of shock.... "oh. my. gosh!" she kept saying! haha. Asher came in and was like "whatevs." Then went to play trains. lol! Love it. Later he was crying when we were taking pics... I think he was just exhausted and not sure what was going on!?
Now here we were! A family of 6. Dave was home the next few days, thank God. It was an adjustment and a lot going on and very little sleep. He went back to work on Monday. My friend Julie came and got the girls around lunchtime to spend the night. My mom got here the next night and the girls came back. I was starting to feel like zombie mom at this point and my mom was a huge help. We worked to get a routine established back, because the kids really need that and do best with structure. Everyone's attitudes were quite interesting to say the least! We had to get a plan. Dave and I went out to grab a burger and figure out a schedule. I felt like suddenly we were the Van Trap family and needed a whistle and marching orders to keep things running smoothly! GOSH. I would much rather fly by the seat of my pants and be carefree, but with 4 kids we need at least a general agenda! They are all such different ages and stages and have different needs.
The last week and a half has been really great. Finally getting more sleep, school back in full swing and I feel so good. It's so nice to move around the house without the huge boulder belly! I've lost all but 9lbs and can fit into most of my clothes. This has never happened so quickly, but in case you wanna hate on me, let me tell you it does not come natural! I worked so so hard at it. After some nightmare post-pardum bodies (one of which took a year and a half to regain!), maybe after the 4th I finally figured a few things out!? haha. I started back some strength training last week and it feels so good.
Hormonally I feel I am doing so great. The pregnancy hormone demon has left me and I am crazy hopeful and happy and calm! Gabrielle has practically told me every day "mom, I've really noticed a change in you." I keep thinking "was I that bad!?" Yikes, apparently so! I feel amazing. I have my moments, but just glory in the fact that Eisley is on the outside and I'm not pregnant anymore.
I'm not pregnant anymore.
And all the people said amen! Thank you Jesus. For the journey, for your mercy, for the crazy love and good gifts you daily lavish on us.
Our prayer is that sweet little Eisley Aviana grows up to be a true living picture of "bright freedom." A bright glowing ray of hope to all who meet her, that freedom in Jesus is liberating, joyful, and creates a life lived to its fullest. May she be full of passion and zeal and not become entangled in the yoke of bondage that legalism, self-righteousness, bondage, and comparison bring. May Galatians 5:1 be true of you, sweet girl...
"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free."
I am crazy blessed. And sleepy. And happy.
Freedom. Bright, hopeful freedom. To be who I am. To be at peace. To rest in His presence. To quit fighting. To live in the moment. To cease striving. To celebrate good gifts. To feel joy in the simplicity of life.
I remember the Sunday in church before Eisley was born. I was already 2 days late. We started singing one of my favorite songs, with deep personal meaning for me from when we first moved here to Tennessee... "Always" by Kristain Stanfill. I began crying because I knew, God had not delayed. He had come through. He was my Refuge and Strength. I did not have to fear the war, the storm... His promises are true. He always, always came through for me. Even when it did not look the way I thought it should. I knew the time was close and that He was bringing me full circle in this journey.
Ok now for the physical "nitty gritty" ;) For several days I had been having contractions off and on, labor pains, etc. Sporadic, inconsistent, but honestly just uncomfortable and making it hard to do much of anything. It was keeping me up at night, it was getting so old. I kept just taking it a day at a time, knowing I wouldn't be pregnant forever. Tuesday night I kept waking up off and on with contractions, but was half asleep (or trying to) and I knew they were irregular. When I woke up and started about my morning routine I kept having to stop and felt sharp pains. I told David I didn't feel good about him going to work yet, maybe wait an hour or two. I kept having contractions all morning, anywhere from 2 min apart to 15 min apart. I am always in denial when I'm in labor. It finally takes David saying "I'm calling the midwife" (with me protesting greatly) to get things going. He called my sweet friend Kim to come get the kids too. I was a nervous wreck at this point, just hoping and praying this was it, because I would hate to be putting everyone out for no reason! It seemed perfect though, because my prayer had been that I go into labor during the day so the kids wouldn't have to be woken and transported in the middle of the night. I have never gone into labor during the day, so this seemed so weird! But now looking back I am so grateful for this specific answer to prayer! We were a bit nervous though, because for this pregnancy I was GBS positive and knew I needed to get the antibiotic IV going as soon as labor hit. Ideally you need 2 doses, and they have to be 4 hours apart. One of my labors was only 4 hours, so I wanted to make sure I got it in time.
At 11:30 Kim picked up the kids and everyone was super excited and ready for a sleepover! The midwife got here about 15 min later. She brought in her gear and checked me. She said that since my contractions were only lasting about 30 seconds that she did not consider it "active labor." I was bummed but knew somehow that we were on the labor train and it would keep rolling. She said she would leave her stuff here because she thought I was close, but to call her when they are 1 min long for over an hour. She left and I sat on the couch and sure enough, they got longer and stronger. It was so strange for me - when I walked around, the labor slowed up. When I sat or lied down, it picked up. Usually I have to power walk or squat my way to progress, but resting seemed to be the trick. Fine by me! The midwife came back around 1:00 and said yep, you're in labor. I was having to really work through the contractions and was at 4 cm. The next 6-7 hours was just a steady, calm progression. She worked hard to find a vein to get my IV going. I always have problems with that! Finally got the dose. That was a relief! I sat indian style on the couch almost the whole time. Lying down a few times. Contractions got stronger and harder. The ironic thing was I felt so calm. So much peace, relaxation, clarity of mind. I was able to let go, feel the pain, and mentally just let my body do it's thing. I used lavender oil on my palms and forehead this time, that seemed to help. Dave had quiet music playing. It truly was a Zen Spa. hahahah ;) I really was in my "zone." Dave sat nearby playing games on his ipad, haha! He was there if I needed something, but as he told me later "you were doing this thing on your own, you really didn't need me!" Emotionally I wanted him near. But physically I felt very in control.
The midwife assistant arrived around 7pm and brought dinner for Dave and both of them. Normally I love Macaroni Grill but the smell of it made me want to throw up... this is where peppermint oil on a warm rag came to the rescue! I sniffed it and it eased my stomach.
My midwife got the second IV going. Just as it finished, labor was getting super intense.
Finally I got in the tub at this point. It was a little too warm and I quickly got overheated and got out. About 45 min later contractions were super painful. I decided to get in again. I kept mentally telling myself I had a long way to go so I wouldn't get discouraged. I didn't realize I was in transition at this point. I got in the tub and after a few contractions I was taken by surprise and my water broke! With my last 2 when my water broke, the babies were born in the next contraction. I was in shock, excited, and bracing myself for what was coming next. I knew this was the final hurdle and it would be over. David was behind me outside of the tub, letting me lean my head on his shoulder and holding my hand. This was when I needed him most. He is my rock. I had a couple hard contractions after that with no urge to push, nothing. I started thinking "what if she doesn't come for a long time... I don't know if I could handle that!" Finally I had a contraction and pushed with all my strength. Then another. Her head was out! Then the most intense part... her body still inside! Never had that happen but it was.... wow... no words to describe! All I could think was "get this baby OUT OF ME!!!!" I pushed like my life depended on it for a 58 seconds straight (but it felt like 5 min!) as the midwife worked to compact her and gently guide her out. Even in that moment, when the pain was at it's peak I remember clarity of mind to breathe (I had hyperventilated with McKayla), call out to the Lord, and pay attention to my body. I knew I needed to push but was trying not to force it. At last she was out and they handed this wet little baby girl to me and I just cried. We all cried. The only thing on my mind was what I blurted out... "God, you are so good to me!" I just rejoiced in His presence, His guiding hand, His peace, and the healthy arrival of a new sweet one to join our family. Overwhelmed!!!
At first her hair looked dark but it was wet. When she got cleaned up we noticed it was more of a copper brown/auburn shade. Beautiful! And a thick head of it. When I compared baby pics, she looked the most like McKayla. Tiny little facial features, petite and sweet.
My placenta had some issues coming out, so I was quickly moved to the bed. It was collapsing on itself and my midwife was afraid it would create blood clots. Finally we got it out and were able to move on. Baby girl got weighed, cleaned up, a was given a full examination. We got all our postpartum instructions and Mary Anne and Kelly worked hard to clean up everything. Let me tell ya, they leave your house cleaner than it was before! They are fantastic like that. By now, I was hungry and the Mac Grill sounded good this time! :) David heated some up for me and we sat in bed admiring our baby and eating pasta. She had been nursing like a pro for about an hour now. Which is a good thing because her blood sugar was low, just like Asher's was after birth. Thank God she nursed easily and we were able to bring it back up. Her agapar score was a perfect 10, and she weighed in at 8lb 2oz, only 1oz more than Asher.
They left around 10:00pm and it was glorious to sit in bed and cuddle baby girl. We were super tired. We had a good first night with a couple feedings and the next day it was like vacation. Just us and our little baby, watching movies and eating yummy bbq the neighbor brought. I always love that first little 24 hours! David played a super sweet song for me he had been saving. I cried... like a baby :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7gjwS13smI
My friend Melanie had relieved Kim of the kids midday and took them to chickfila for dinner and brought them home. I loved their expressions!!! The girls were in shock. So excited!!! So in love! They were just 2 and 4 when Asher was born so this time was so different. They wanted to hold her, to cuddle her. Gabrielle said "I just can't believe this!" and she teared up a bit. We talked about how amazing it was that God created her - knit her - in my womb. Only God can do that. I saw on her face the awe of His power to create such a little life. McKayla just wanted to cuddle her and had a look of shock.... "oh. my. gosh!" she kept saying! haha. Asher came in and was like "whatevs." Then went to play trains. lol! Love it. Later he was crying when we were taking pics... I think he was just exhausted and not sure what was going on!?
Now here we were! A family of 6. Dave was home the next few days, thank God. It was an adjustment and a lot going on and very little sleep. He went back to work on Monday. My friend Julie came and got the girls around lunchtime to spend the night. My mom got here the next night and the girls came back. I was starting to feel like zombie mom at this point and my mom was a huge help. We worked to get a routine established back, because the kids really need that and do best with structure. Everyone's attitudes were quite interesting to say the least! We had to get a plan. Dave and I went out to grab a burger and figure out a schedule. I felt like suddenly we were the Van Trap family and needed a whistle and marching orders to keep things running smoothly! GOSH. I would much rather fly by the seat of my pants and be carefree, but with 4 kids we need at least a general agenda! They are all such different ages and stages and have different needs.
The last week and a half has been really great. Finally getting more sleep, school back in full swing and I feel so good. It's so nice to move around the house without the huge boulder belly! I've lost all but 9lbs and can fit into most of my clothes. This has never happened so quickly, but in case you wanna hate on me, let me tell you it does not come natural! I worked so so hard at it. After some nightmare post-pardum bodies (one of which took a year and a half to regain!), maybe after the 4th I finally figured a few things out!? haha. I started back some strength training last week and it feels so good.
Hormonally I feel I am doing so great. The pregnancy hormone demon has left me and I am crazy hopeful and happy and calm! Gabrielle has practically told me every day "mom, I've really noticed a change in you." I keep thinking "was I that bad!?" Yikes, apparently so! I feel amazing. I have my moments, but just glory in the fact that Eisley is on the outside and I'm not pregnant anymore.
I'm not pregnant anymore.
And all the people said amen! Thank you Jesus. For the journey, for your mercy, for the crazy love and good gifts you daily lavish on us.
Our prayer is that sweet little Eisley Aviana grows up to be a true living picture of "bright freedom." A bright glowing ray of hope to all who meet her, that freedom in Jesus is liberating, joyful, and creates a life lived to its fullest. May she be full of passion and zeal and not become entangled in the yoke of bondage that legalism, self-righteousness, bondage, and comparison bring. May Galatians 5:1 be true of you, sweet girl...
"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free."
I am crazy blessed. And sleepy. And happy.
THIS IS SO GOOD!!!! I did have some pains as I read through the "birthing process" but all those fabulous, sweet pictures made up for it. Love your family of 6. xxoo
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