Unnatural Living

I've been so wrecked this week by the fact that I like things to be how I like. 

I like the weather how I like... (oh gosh, that's a whole blog post on it's own, GOD BLESS IT) #humansagainstwinter

I like my kids to be how I want them to be (well behaved, peaceful, gracious, giving, kind, speakers of truth, basically perfect and reflections of everything I'm not). 

I like my marriage to be like a romance comedy full of gushy sweetness and closeness and the hot guy leaning in to say, "let me care for you, little lady."

I like my house to be the Pottery Barn catalog, where even the kid play areas are "polite cute messes" (not real life glitter colliding with play dough and cat food and cracker crumbs and torn out school papers).

I like friendships to be how I like it. No drama, no awkwardness, no hurt feelings, no jealousy, no comparison, no loneliness, no hurt.

I like my body to be how I like it - fit, no stretch marks wounds of war from baby bearing, no problem areas that are as stubborn as heck, and especially noooooooooo injuries that keep me from my workout rotation calendar (ahem, insert foot in a bootie for a week or two).

I like my finances to be how I want: freeeeeee flowing fountain for all of my social engagements, house renovation projects, dream getaways and target.com purchases. Or just to not stress about a van that threatens to have the bottom fall out of it at any second (I get Flinstones visuals of our feet sticking out to run our way to our destinations. Which could be a great workout! If I didn't have an injured foot....)

Oh darn it. So little is how I LIKE IT TO BE.

It can get downright depressing. Which has honestly been where I have sat the majority of this week. I'm grateful for a family meltdown moment that brought me to my knees with my kiddos gathered around as mommy confessed to God that she is broken, needy, selfish, and out of control. Needing a Savior and Rescuer from the demands of my heart.

Phil 2:13 - "For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

Eph 2:10 -" For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

Ps. 18:32 "It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure."

Is 45:9 "Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker-- An earthenware vessel among the vessels of earth! Will the clay say to the potter, 'What are you doing?'"

Today I read this post from a friend on fb and it hit home and brought it all together. Maybe you can relate to a lot of things being not how you want them to be in an ideal world (aka, not this world we live in, that's fo' sho.)

"...faith isn't natural for you & me. Doubt is natural. Fear is natural. Living on the basis of your collected experience is natural. Pushing the current catalog of personal "what-ifs" through your mind before you go to sleep at night or when you wake up in the morning is natural....Wishing that you were more sovereign over people, situations & locations than you will ever be is natural. Manipulating your way into personal control so you can guarantee that you will get what you think you need is natural. Looking horizontally for the peace that you will only ever find vertically is natural. Anxiously wishing for change in things that you have no ability to change is natural. Giving way to despondency, discouragement, depression, or despair is natural. Numbing yourself with busyness, material things, media, food, or some other substance is natural....But faith simply isn't natural to us.

So, in grace, God grants us to believe. As Paul says in Ephesians 2:8, faith really is the gift of God. There is no more counter intuitive function to the average, sin-damaged human being than faith in God...God gives us the power to first believe, but he doesn't stop there. By grace he works in the situations, locations, & relationships of our everyday lives to craft, hammer, bend, & mold us into people who build life based on the radical belief that he really does exist & he really does reward those who seek him (Heb. 11:6).

Next time you face the unexpected, a moment of difficulty you really don't want to go through, remember that such a moment doesn't picture a God who has forgotten you, but one who is near to you & doing in you a very good thing. He is rescuing you from thinking that you can live the life you were meant to live while relying on the inadequate resources of your wisdom, experience, righteousness, & strength; & he is transforming you into a person who lives a life shaped by radical God-centered faith. He is the ultimate craftsman, & we are his clay. He will not take us off his wheel until his fingers have molded us into those who really do believe & do not doubt." Paul David Tripp

God  is in the business of cultivating our faith. What is He using to craft you? 

See it as God's nearness and rescue.

50 Shades of Gray Yoga Pants

Ya'll, help me out here.

I'm really concerned. I'm not sure if just yoga pants are sinful.....? Or is it any kind of form revealing pants? What if I did Piyo or Barre or Pilates? Are pilates pants reason for valid concern? Downward facing dog pose is rather provocative. If I was in warrior or warrior 2 pose that would be more appropriate.

I'm asking because I had to drop off my son at preschool - in my multi-directional stretch pants. I had just taught an early morning barre class and it was either wardrobe or get him to school on time. 

The clincher: his preschool is at church. 

Granted, there were mostly moms and women there, but I did see one or two dads from a distance. And granted, I had on an alllllllmost tunic, like it almost came below the crease of my bun cheek smile line, but perhaps not entirely if I didn't stand completely upright. It's debatable. Kinda hard to see the back of you with your head craned around to peer in the mirror. Guess I should have asked my husband or a trusted modesty accountability partner.

In the words of Jack Black, "floozy."

In the words of Gretchen Wilson, "home wrecker."

In the words of Bill Gothard, "defrauding/giving pieces of my heart away."

But don't you worry, I will be at that alter on Sunday. I will confess my 50 Shades of Gray heart before the entire congregation. And will be wearing lots of "long, loose and lots" this next week to make up for it. Don't be surprised if you see me in an ankle length jumper and turtleneck. I'm just doing my time, paying my penance. Maybe give a word of encouragement shout out to the sister under the pleats when you see me walking by.

Relentless Love :: 10 years

Today marks a decade. 10 years of being Mrs. David Banker.

It has flown by... and yet it seems it has been forever.

I liked you for a long time. I was always trying to "accidentally" cross your path. You came up and did a landscaping project for our family for a few days. I knew there was something real there. I knew our hearts would be at home with each other.

You talked to my dad and we began a crazy and redonkulous courtship. Corny and jacked up as it was, we loved each other. And we were all in.

You were building a house. A beautiful southern living cottage. You gave me a key to the front door. I felt like the richest girl in the whole world.. 

The "courtship" quickly got confusing and ugly and crazy. We both almost lost our minds. We broke up and 3 days later got engaged. 

We made it to that altar and although we were scared, we were sure. 

As I reflect back on where we started and where we are today, there are no words. Vast growth, change, expansion. 1 apartment and 5 houses. 4 babies born. 4 years in a law suit with 3 attorneys. 2 career changes. 8 vehicles. 1 robbery. 2 different states. And probably about 40 counseling sessions.

I see through the decade God's goodness gleaming bright. I recall our brokenness... the first year when we both almost gave up. We were both so stubborn. So hurt and broken. But we were trying.

Then we moved out of the apartment into the camper out on our property.

I remember late nights going to sleep in the camper by the sound of the crickets, wondering how many more days until we got our C.O. to move in the house.

Icy cold showers. No hot running water. Cooking pancakes on the grill on the front porch. Late night cookie bakes in the toaster oven. The sound of the obnoxious donkey next door. The little kitten that was possessed and would claw our eyes out in the middle of the night. The Friday night El Nopal dinners... the old standby... a #3 and sweet tea!

I remember the day we moved in.

I remember the first positive pregnancy test. The excitement! The unknown. The sickness, the exhaustion, the difficulty. I remember you there with me. The piece of dry toast shaped like a heart on a plate by my bed before my eyes even opened. I remember the box of crayons you brought home one day that we used to decorate the white walls when I laid flat on my back for 3 months.

I remember the last date night of being kid-free!

I remember a few hours later going into labor (timing FTW!)

I remember you pushing me through and being my rock and getting me through my first natural labor. I remember that moment we shared looking into each others eyes and crying like loonies because we did it. Together.

I remember bringing baby girl home and lots and lots and lots of screaming.

And more screaming.

Surely. Our "Noble Heroine of God" was here. Feisty and full of passion.

I remember the big job you got hired for!

I remember the big job going sour.

I remember the day we sold our house and moved out.

The 4 1/2 long years of fighting a law suit and 3 attorneys and big checks paid out and clipping coupons and battling fear.

I remember hopelessness. Downsizing. Struggling.

I remember us feeling alone.

I remember the second pregnancy. Feeling horrible. Renovating a rental. Exhausted.

I remember the power going out in the July heat and being 3 days overdue and angry as !*$#. I walked the halls of that house and finally went into labor. Speedy rapido babe was born 4 hours later in a moment when I truly thought I was dying and you got in my face and screamed at me to breathe. Second baby girl was here and we were in love.

"Pure Delight." Sweet one was just that.

I remember good friends God brought into our lives.

Doing workouts in the sunroom at 6:00am together. Dying out of breath like a bunch of fat lards.

I remember our move to the little yellow house off Marietta Square.

I remember watching episodes of Lost on hulu.

Bigger than life cockroaches in the kitchen at night.

Walks up to the square park for ice cream. Letting the girls play on the little train. The Australian bakery. Being asked if I was the kid's nanny (bless you, sweet woman).

I remember a lot of frustrations in that house. The lease coming to an end. Mustering up the courage to make a big move. Just because.

A drive up to Tennessee searching for housing. 1 week before our lease was up in Georgia and our housing plans falling through in Tennessee. Anxiety. Prayer.

A little house just around the corner with a sign stuck in the yard just that morning.

"We'll take it."

"Just a stepping stone house," we said. 1 year or so. Turned into 4.

Making amazing friendships. Real people who love Jesus and love us well. A church with a message of truth and grace. Our hearts opening anew to a fresh perspective. Best move of our lives. A risk we are glad we took.

Another pregnancy, a walk at 4am on Berry's Chapel Court in the balmy breezy air of April, stopping for each contraction. Yes, I was the crazy woman squatting in the middle of the street. A long awaited boy born in that living room. So much emotion and joy.

Our "Happy Arm of God" was born. And he did bring so much light and happiness.

Popcicles and little tikes cars and doing the kid life.

Momma going crazy in crammed quarters. Daily grasping for nuggets of gratefulness.

Building our business here. One job leading to the next. God's provision.

Law suit, at last, ending.

Relief.

Only months later, the threat of another.

Gripping fear.

Leaving our Florida vacation the day after we got there.

A miracle.

A breakdown.

Unknown. Hurt. Loss. Undoing.

A desperate phone call.

A God-send of a mentor in our lives.

Months of breaking it all down. Letting God undo us. Letting Him rebuild. Not being sure what would be at the end, but daring to walk the unknown.

Anger.

More Anger.

Honest conversations with God.

Coming apart so we could come together stronger.

God rebuilds.

He's relentless.

Learning what it means to love without strings attached. To let each other be who God created them to be. To get off the co-dependent crazy train. To quit trying to control each other. To grant freedom and to receive it. To learn to love again.

Finding a new normal.

A re-proposal. A signant of God doing a new thing.

A celebration in Nashville for the weekend!

Surprise, baby #4 on the way ;)

Sickness.

Long days.

Hormones on the loose.

A patient man.

3 days late again.

A baby girl born in that same living room in crazy amounts of peace.

"Bright Freedom." God was doing something new. She was proof of it.

Beating our heads against a wall trying to buy a house.... then trying to build... dead end street after dead in street (no pun intended). Frustration to the max!

Remember how we never thought we would get out of that house?? Just like we never thought we would move in the house we were building? Just like we never thought the law suit would end? Or that kid would finally poop in the potty!?

Somehow things end. Perspective. Timing, Patience. Growth.

Valentines day surprise and we closed on a house and were handed real keys. Our keys.

An amazing man that pulled every string in the book to surprise me and love me so well.

The craziest move of our life.

Now living in a renovation with 4 babies. More craziness. Everyday. Always noise. Always crying. Always a party. Dancing and singing.

Learning and growing with the ebbs and flows of life.

You are patient with me. You guide my heart to truth. You let me be who I am. I find immense comfort with you and yet the challenge to open my heart up to Jesus.

I have never known a man more diligent, more giving, more selfless. You dream, you pursue. You keep your priorities straight.

I've seen you grow. Break down. And flourish all the more. Pruning has done well for you. You have opened yourself up to His process.

You never give up on me. On us. When its exhausting or boring or exciting or passionate or lonely or busy... you're faithful.

Thank you.

A decade is a lot of life. And yet I know we are only beginning. Your love is relentless... because His grace is.

Grateful to be your comrade. To do life with you. To be a witness to each other's journey.

God is writing our story! Of this I have no doubt. As I reflect back on these last 10 years and write out this journey I know its just a chapter in the book. I'm in awe of His faithfulness to us. It's a beautiful story.

I love you. Cheers to many more, my friend.

~Mrs. Banker

Best Valentine's Gift EVEH

My husband totally blew me out of the water today.

Not with chocolates.

Or a card.

Or a date night.

But he simply said "meet me in Cool Springs in 15 minutes."

I thought we were going to pick up the van out of the shop. So I throw the kids in the car, in their pjs of course, because getting them all dressed would take exactly 54 minutes too long. I meet him and he leads me to a cryptic location. I then see a sign for a massage place. "How sweet!" I thought. Then I thought "I hope he bought a Groupon." Cuz I'm coupon obsessed like that.

But we get out of our cars and he looks at me and starts to tear up. Immediately I think "oh my word! He's going to propose!"

Did I really just say that!? Yes. I'm so tired and not rational these days! But in my defense he had the same look in his eyes the day he asked me to marry him. Does that make me look a little more sane!? No. Oh well, worth the shot. Yeah, 4 kids later we should probably get HITCHED.

So my car radio was still on and my theme song for this last year "He is With Us" by Love and the Outcome is soaring in the background. Not ironic, I know! See, God is a fan of Hallmark moments, I'm convinced!

Then my man looks at me with the sweetest face and says "Let's go buy a house."

I'm in shock! Right now!? Here? Today? Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

He then told me he busted his butt all week to push for the closing to happen today. Pulled strings and saw miracles happen. And he just found out 20 minutes ago that he was gonna be able to pull it off he told me.

He was crying and I was smiling like a Cheshire cat!!!

Total. Shock.

We haul our babies inside, walk in the room, and sign till our hand has cramps.

Surreal.

Done.

And here we are, homeowners!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm still sporting my workout hair/lack of makeup from 5:00am. But it's all good.

 Valentines day cupcakes and pens. All we need.

A few shots of our pj kids. Cuz we are classy like that.

Ya'll I have no words. Except that God is good. He was good when it hurt, when we couldn't see His hand, when we didn't understand. We know that. But today He revealed a bit of the mystery of His vast goodness in a real, needed, tangible way to our family. And we give Him all the praise.

Let me say that again: it's all praise to Jesus, ya'll.

This house came on the market the day our land/house build deal fell through. The very day. Our offer was in with another offer, but because we were a family with 4 kids and they liked us and accepted ours. We did not have the down payment money but is has miraculously all come in almost to the penny as we have watched David's hard real estate work finally start to pay off. God's hand was ALL OVER this. Peace. Crazy peace. It was just His will and plan and we know it without a doubt.

When we walked out I was still smiling and David started crying again (so us!). He sweetly looked at me and read me the most precious words scribbled on the back of an envelope that he was going to write in a card but everything happened so fast he didn't get a chance to. Then he gave me a princess crown key chain... just like he gave me when we were dating and he handed me the keys to the house he built. There have been a lot of rentals between that home and this one, and that key chain got lost along the way. But here was my amazing, hard working, faithful man telling me with all his heart and actions: I will fight to provide. 

Cuz he's pretty much the beast.

Sorry, ladies. I scored!

And it's Valentines day, so I gotta be all mushy like that.

Friends: thank you for walking this journey with us. For those of you that heard us whine, cry, kick and scream, question everything, and collapse in exhaustion. Only God knows all the ins and outs of this journey. It's about way more than just a house. It's a long story of retraining our minds, our hearts, and redemption. When we lost our first home because of an unjust business deal, we never knew the hardships that were to follow. Although God's plan is not always easy, it's always about being broken for transformation. For a deeper communion with Him.

I was cleaning out my desk the other day and found this quote which I love...

"Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son and says 'Enter into fellowship with me; arise and shine." -O.Chambers

I confess I had many moments of self-pity, temporal values, short-sightedness and discontentment. But thank God He is faithful to press into my heart deeper and clean out that yuck. I know for a fact He will be doing that till the day this stubborn girl goes home to be with Him!

So we are gonna eat some lunch and oh, I don't know.... head over to our 

~*~*~*~NEW HOME~*~*~*~

and start some demo work! Which we love and rock at, quite honestly. Can't wait to make this place our home!

And give this song a listen, it's been on repeat a lot over here lately....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJKZxB_Hx70

"Your Best Life Now!" and other Bull-o-ny

I am flipping through channels and I come across a beaming Crest Whitestrips smile coming across my TV screen. It's the "hour of power" channel or something like that.  There is a pause and dramatic gaze upward to heaven. Then the words are uttered "God wants us to live our dreams! To see our hopes miraculously and joyously come to pass! To live our best life now! This is what is offered us in Christ!"

My next mental image was every pot and pan I own flying towards the TV screen.

If only it were that simple. If only it were so. If only life worked like that.

Everything about our "American Dream" lifestyle says this is possible. All the pyramid scheme training power points display the pictures of Ferrari's and lavish trips and beautiful smiling families and health and wealth and friendships and having it all! All the ads and commercials and mindsets tell us that if we work hard enough, give it everything we've got, never quit, and scale the highest mountain with Miley Cyrus' "it's the cliiiiiiimb" soaring in the background that indeed, we will make it happen and reach our goals. Even churches teach this. And not just the health and wealth gospel ones. A lot of the seemingly solid Biblical churches subtly find themselves teaching and believing "if I do all the right things, God will bless me."

Or this one: "If I pray hard enough with enough faith, I'll get what I want."

Or this: "In the christian life, a+b=always equals c."

Or: "miracles happen when we believe."

Or: "if I am good and behave appropriately in all the right ways, God will see and bless."

So what about when the shit hits the fan? Or when we reach obstacle after dead end after obstacle? When life is inching along? When our faith is burned out? When God feels silent? When we are told to wait and wait and wait some more? When we are weary and exhausted beyond belief? When all our dreams come crashing down at the hand of someone else and there is nothing we can do to fix it? When we are robbed, cheated on, lied to, stolen from, ignored, abused, crushed, broken?

Some things are out of our control. Period.

What about when your life is resembling the words in Habakkuk, and it's all you can do (and really don't feel like doing)... is praise?

"Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines; though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."

or in the words of Job:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord."

How are those dudes "winning?" How are they climbing the ladder, living the dream, or having their best life now?!

Oh but they are.

To still praise? To still bless? These men are deeper wells than anyone that ever "reached the top."

The last few years of our lives have been a crazy roller coaster of disappointment after dead end after dead end. It's been unbelievable really. I didn't know you could reach so many blocked paths only to try and pray and find another road and reach another blocked path. We could literally write a book! If I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't have believed it. We have also had immense joys and blessings I would be foolish to discount. But in several crucial areas we just keep reaching dead ends.

I vow not to bore you with the details. This is not a whine fest blog, God so help me! But this weekend we hit another huge, gigantic roadblock. And we were rather shocked. Because God was just leading, driving us here, speaking clearly. We just knew this was His direction. And then out of no where BAM! FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK.

In the spirit of honesty, our default of late has been to crumble. To get discouraged. Sometimes depressed. To be angry. Confused. Disillusioned. Not trust. Lack faith. Doubt God.

Why does it seem to come so hard for us!? Why can't we just take one simple step forward.... steps that seem so natural and easy for almost everyone else it seems? What is going on hereeeeeee?!

Yet yesterday when the news hit, we felt numb. Before we had a chance to rush into our discouragement, the Lord grabbed us.

You see, He is in the business of ransoming us. Not just our souls. But our hearts. He wants to renew our minds. To throw out old patterns of thinking and replace them with His truth.

And we recognize we've believed a LIE.

The lie that if we follow God and do what is right, He will bless us.

And our version of blessing is carnal, quite frankly: we want direction, provision, and material goods.

His blessing that is promised are things like peace, comfort, companionship, and grace.

In the moment Dave and I sat on a bench outside of church and cried. Sweet tears, because in a way we knew He was near. Showing up again. Even if it was a FRIGGIN ROADBLOCK. Here He was, leading.

I looked at my sweet man's face. A face that is a fighter, that give his all and then some to provide and lead our family. A face that looks to God with all He has for direction and wisdom. I knew it hurt.

Yet it was so clear the voice of the Lord in my heart: "I am with you."

What did He promise? All our dreams come true? All our plans come to fruition? All our hopes realized?

No. He promised never once would we walk alone. That even when we can't see Him, He is there. That He is writing our story.

That He is writing our story.

I told David, "All I know is that He is protecting us. That He loves us. I'm not fighting Him any more. My hands are open wide to Him. His design is my best. If He says go, we go. If He says sit, we sit. If it makes no sense, that's ok. Because He is our Father and He loves us and He is leading us. THIS we are promised!"

David said yes. God is renewing our mind. Changing our old nasty flesh-filled patterns of results-based Christianity. Because that is following after another god, truly.

A friend sent me this quote and it blew me out of the water and summed it all up perfectly:

"This is not a faith that produces optimism. This is a faith that produces a defiant hope that God is still writing the story; and that, despite darkness, a light shines; and that God can redeem our crap; and that beauty matters; at that despite every disappointing thing we have ever done or have ever endured, there is no hell from which resurrection is impossible. The Christian faith is one that kicks at the darkness until it bleeds daylight." -N. Bolz-Weber

My heart just leaps at that. It explodes out of my chest screaming yes. Yes. He is our redemption and the darkness bleeds daylight.

If we don't believe this when life hits hard and presses in, then do we really believe? I feel we should just hang it all up right here, because the true test of whether we believe what we say we do comes when life just doesn't go as planned. When our dreams get yanked out from under us and our hearts get beat up and our goals stay just out of reach.

Do we fight? Absolutely. (1 Tim 6:12). Do we rise again? Assuredly. (Pr 24:16) God doesn't ask us to be beaten down pansies that bear His Name. But we let Him lead - not a program, not a goal, not a plan. But
Him.

It makes me think of the verses in 2 Cor....

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen.

So to all of you who find yourself in the same boat (because I know many of you are), let me ask you this:

When life presses in hard, do you walk away or run to Him?

 David and are deciding we want to leave a legacy to our children. Of real faith. Of showing them that in Him and through Him and by Him we have our being.

That "getting it right" doesn't matter, following Jesus does.

That results are not the true test of faith.

That answered prayers don't always come, but His Spirit is always there.

That when the mathematics of life don't add up, your response shows your true heart.

That what He is doing within is greater than what happens without.


and a little p.s. from me - eat some dark chocolate and listen to this: It will help get ya through :) 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GJrIKGqg9I

 

Not So Ann Voskamp-ish

I sit on the bed trying to nurse my 3 week old, while a toddler with a ridiculously foul smelling diaper is climbing all over me asking a million questions and demanding juice. When I tell him no, he proceeds to pitch a fit on the floor. At first I think I should congratulate him on the stellar timing of his display, seeing as how I can't really do anything about it. But it gets worse and I realize I must do something about it. I then attempt to walk around the house and nurse the baby as I search for a wooden spoon, only to realize I'm not very gifted in that capacity and am really only leaking all down the front of me, or rather spewing like a geyser. In this moment I offer up a silent prayer that neither the neighbor or landlord show up at the back glass door, because it always seems to happen at the worst of times. Once I finally make it to the kitchen and look in the canister on the counter, lo and behold, no wooden spoons. Of course not. We only have 12 of them and the fact that I no longer have any I can use for cooking but they are scattered throughout the house is proof that we have a toddler. I finally find one and head back to my room to preform the fantastic workout move I like to call the "one armed football baby hold and deep floor squat with opposing arm bootie pop." What do ya know! It's great for both our backsides. In comes a preschooler holding a laptop stating that her computer program is jammed and not working. I then attempt to fix it but do you know how hard it is to use a laptop mouse with one arm at an awkward angle!? Enter the final child with a phonics question not even I know how to answer without the help of google. Homeschool mom fail. So within 60 seconds I have fed a baby, searched the house for a spoon, disciplined a toddler, fixed a computer problem, and used my phone to search for words that end in -alk. It would be fine if it was just those 60 seconds... but it has been those 60 seconds every 60 seconds.

Brain = fried. Emotions = frazzled. I am exhausted on every level. It's after 2:00 and I have not brushed my teeth, gotten out of my pajamas, and barely eaten since my scrambled eggs at 7am. I know it won't be like this forever. This is just a season. I'm gonna miss this one day. Please don't tell me these things, well-meaning person. I know all this! Its just the short distance from my brain to the dark circles under my eyes that struggle to grasp it. As I reach for the burp cloth and find Asher's toy gun underneath, I can't help but smirk at the irony. And before you panic, no I am not suicidal. Even though the thought of peaceful silence in a padded coffin does sound enticing... but no, maybe the asylum is a better choice. Go ahead and call me in. A nice clean white outfit and clean white room and 3 meals a day prepared for me sound quite posh about now.

Truth: I love my children. Another truth: I battle my job description. I do not like running a daycare. If I took a career assessment test I would be told to "pack up my desk immediately." I would be informed that I am under qualified. Not gifted in this area. It wouldn't even register on my chart as a remote possibility to have a job in this field.

Don't get me wrong, I love being with my kids. Everyday I see moments I am so glad I get to witness. If I had to drop them off somewhere everyday, I would cry! (ok well maybe some days I would lift my hands to heaven as I was pulling away, but those would be rare...) I am so blessed to have these gifts and to invest in their lives and lead their souls. But even still, I battle the daily.

I battle my lack of "business tools." Logistically, I am most frustrated. Yes, yes, the house situation. I truly am not trying to sound like a broken record, but a few things would be super helpful: a fenced yard, resources, and at least enough space to put everyone somewhere for attempted "quiet time" without being right under each other's noses. I am sick of "make-shift" living here... if I had known it would be 4 years I would have invested in some things to help a long time ago! Yet now it feels futile. Because perhaps a move is on the horizon? Then again it may not be... I just don't feel like talking about it anymore.

I battle my free spirit. Surely it will get the best of me! It would be so much simpler if I were the contented homebody... loved a good book, cup of tea, and life in my pjs. Yet I love adventure, exploration, going and doing, freedom! But when the most exciting thing on my horizon is the fact that tomorrow, I get a couple hours alone with an infant to shop for groceries at Costco, it is pretty thrilling. Wohoooo, can somebody throw a few streamers in my face!? Party on the bayouuuuu!

I wish that somehow I could pause my life and borrow one day from my "empty-nester" years to come... er wait.... too many wrinkles. Maybe back up to life before all this, like.... the 2 years between graduating high school and getting married and enjoy that day, I would. Just to be free like the wind! It feels like the big world is spinning and carrying on outside and I am stuck in a time capsule. I feel monotony take over my existence. Which I hate, but being a spartan I can grit and bear it and power through no matter how much it kills me. Yet it does... it kills me. I have dreams, hopes and plans. I know that I can get there. Just not right now. Again, I am told to "wait."

I do my best to smile, and be grateful and have joy in Jesus! But I really feel anger. Resentment. Frustration. There are unanswered prayers. I feel overlooked. It's been a long journey with God being silent. There has been so much that only God knows. I read books about contentment and try to adapt the missionary lifestyle. Surely if she could praise Jesus with nothing but a prison cell, rags to wear, and cockroaches to count, I can praise Him when the budget is tight! I read verses that say "in everything give thanks!" Yet my mind scrolls through the verse about "bringing a sacrifice of praise" and all I can think is yeah, sacrifice alright! My bloody life is on the stone altar going up in smoke being sacrificed as a burnt offering!!!!

And I wonder where my daughter gets her drama.

I do my best to be a good wife and follow but I question my husband's decisions and leadership at times. I'd rather be in charge sometimes. Way to rock that Proverbs 31 attitude! ((thumbs up))

Please don't tell me the pat answers. Give me little ditty lines. My head knows the truth. Yet I battle here on this earthly ground.

So we break away from the homestead and go for a walk. To get some fresh air, to have a change of scenery from the 1100 sq feet of closterphobia. As I watch my girls run ahead, ruffled dresses flowing in the breeze for a moment I think how worth it life is. How these moments keep me going. All my troubles begin to melt and I see my blessings. Ahhhhh, yes! This is my 1,000 gifts moment! Look at me, I'm Ann Voskcamp!

Well that lasted for 2 minutes. Now one of my children is complaining about how their legs hurt and they want me to carry their tricycle and push the double stroller the rest of the block as I listen to them whine about how tired and thirsty they are. In the background I almost swear I can hear someone singing... "why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefielddddd!"

eucharisteo = poof.

I know what you are thinking. I'm negative. Debbie Downer. Ungrateful. Discontent. The truth? Yep I am. I'm a train wreck. I try, Lord knows I try! I just had a pretty honest conversation with Him about how tired I am of trying and giving my all to have a good attitude and see the bright side and trust His promises. I'm exhausted of that, truth be told. I told Him that if He wants that for me, He has to create it in me. Because I can't muster it up anymore. Somehow whenever I pray this I think He is up there nodding His head in affirmation that I finally quit trying to be my own Holy Spirit. That I finally surrendered my effort to His yoke. I'm sure it must be true.

It feels like the alternative to trying is giving up. I hate giving up. It feels hopeless. Wussy. A comp out. I would rather be a trying Christian and not getting anywhere than a giving up Christian that is intentionally sitting still. I know in the eyes of God it's not any better. But it sure as heck feels better.

But what happens if I don't try? If I don't try to accept my lot, to rejoice in Jesus, to be a good mom, to bloom where I'm planted? I know we are told to rejoice always. To count it all joy. To be of good cheer. These are commands, are they not?

Yet why at times does it simply feel like a mask to hide my true sentiments? To be a faker. To pretend something is that isn't.

I know there is a time to be raw with God. To be raw and let it sit. I suppose that is where I am. Perhaps you read all of this and are thinking "that's it, where's the conclusion, the glowing exhortation, the hope and truth at the end of the story?"

Well today there isn't. It's a casting-my-burdens on the Lord and trusting He sustains me. He doesn't need my "being a good christian" help. Which is a dang good thing, because today I don't have it. I'm worn. I am floating out at sea in a boat with some leaks and just lost my paddle. I wish I had undying hope and unwavering resolve, but after a while it just wears thin.

So here I sit. In my quiet spot. Which is really kinda lame, but its the only quiet place I can find... the steps leading out to the laundry room/storage/David's work shed. Yeah I'm super ghetto like that. Here's a reality shot folks:

Here I sit, crying out. Praying for help to be on the way. For hope. For a reminder that He knows and He has not forgotten. For either relief to come externally or internally. If He wants me to be brave enough to carry on He will have to give me that. If He wants me to sit still, He will have to strengthen that in me. If He wants me to hope, He will have to restore that. If He wants me to believe, He will have to help my unbelief.

Eisley Aviana

What a journey. Seriously. The 9 months and 4 days leading up to sweet baby girl's birth felt like a badillion quajillion years of mental insanity and hormonal irrationality. Ok wow, not the most endearing way to start a birth story blog post. But yeah. I'm pretty much raw like that. ;)

It is, however a sweet story. Of God's intensive journey to box me in a tight space and create no margin for my head to turn left or right but to stare... straight at Him, straight into His eyes, wearing no yoke but His and be still and know He is God, He is in control, He sees, He cares.

I like wide open spaces and room to roam and freedom. And yet this journey although it felt restrictive was all about freedom. Freedom came where I least expected it and in a form unbelievable by the human rationale. It came in the yoke, in the collision of my soul with His heart, of my plans spilled out and His will relentlessly driving. I fought "the box" of my life until I was tired, sore, and worn from beating at the wind. Then I sat. In the dark. And I waited for Him. Waited for a voice, a sign, direction. And got nothing. 

Then I was slammed into the face of what gratitude means. The triteness of it made me want to throw a fit of rage. It was too simple, too obvious, too obnoxious to be quite honest. But as my eyes opened to behold my daily gifts and my obsession with the longing for perfection faded, I began to feel freedom. To see a world of beauty and goodness all around me, and immaculate grace under girding me. I still fought my battle of the box, but yet somehow it was different. There were tears of honesty instead of punching the cardboard.... telling Him my frustrations and leaving them there. I found a Savior with a compassionate heart that loves me too much to give the child pitching a fit the lollipop. I found peace when it made no sense. I found joy when it felt hopeless. I found myself to be a selfish, entitled brat, as my life is filled with good things if only I'd turn on the windshield wipers see.

Freedom. Bright, hopeful freedom. To be who I am. To be at peace. To rest in His presence. To quit fighting. To live in the moment. To cease striving. To celebrate good gifts. To feel joy in the simplicity of life.

I remember the Sunday in church before Eisley was born. I was already 2 days late. We started singing one of my favorite songs, with deep personal meaning for me from when we first moved here to Tennessee... "Always" by Kristain Stanfill. I began crying because I knew, God had not delayed. He had come through. He was my Refuge and Strength. I did not have to fear the war, the storm... His promises are true. He always, always came through for me. Even when it did not look the way I thought it should. I knew the time was close and that He was bringing me full circle in this journey.

Ok now for the physical "nitty gritty" ;) For several days I had been having contractions off and on, labor pains, etc. Sporadic, inconsistent, but honestly just uncomfortable and making it hard to do much of anything. It was keeping me up at night, it was getting so old. I kept just taking it a day at a time, knowing I wouldn't be pregnant forever. Tuesday night I kept waking up off and on with contractions, but was half asleep (or trying to) and I knew they were irregular. When I woke up and started about my morning routine I kept having to stop and felt sharp pains. I told David I didn't feel good about him going to work yet, maybe wait an hour or two. I kept having contractions all morning, anywhere from 2 min apart to 15 min apart. I am always in denial when I'm in labor. It finally takes David saying "I'm calling the midwife" (with me protesting greatly) to get things going. He called my sweet friend Kim to come get the kids too. I was a nervous wreck at this point, just hoping and praying this was it, because I would hate to be putting everyone out for no reason! It seemed perfect though, because my prayer had been that I go into labor during the day so the kids wouldn't have to be woken and transported in the middle of the night. I have never gone into labor during the day, so this seemed so weird! But now looking back I am so grateful for this specific answer to prayer! We were a bit nervous though, because for this pregnancy I was GBS positive and knew I needed to get the antibiotic IV going as soon as labor hit. Ideally you need 2 doses, and they have to be 4 hours apart. One of my labors was only 4 hours, so I wanted to make sure I got it in time.

At 11:30 Kim picked up the kids and everyone was super excited and ready for a sleepover! The midwife got here about 15 min later. She brought in her gear and checked me. She said that since my contractions were only lasting about 30 seconds that she did not consider it "active labor." I was bummed but knew somehow that we were on the labor train and it would keep rolling. She said she would leave her stuff here because she thought I was close, but to call her when they are 1 min long for over an hour. She left and I sat on the couch and sure enough, they got longer and stronger. It was so strange for me - when I walked around, the labor slowed up. When I sat or lied down, it picked up. Usually I have to power walk or squat my way to progress, but resting seemed to be the trick. Fine by me! The midwife came back around 1:00 and said yep, you're in labor. I was having to really work through the contractions and was at 4 cm. The next 6-7 hours was just a steady, calm progression. She worked hard to find a vein to get my IV going. I always have problems with that! Finally got the dose. That was a relief! I sat indian style on the couch almost the whole time. Lying down a few times. Contractions got stronger and harder. The ironic thing was I felt so calm. So much peace, relaxation, clarity of mind. I was able to let go, feel the pain, and mentally just let my body do it's thing. I used lavender oil on my palms and forehead this time, that seemed to help. Dave had quiet music playing. It truly was a Zen Spa. hahahah ;) I really was in my "zone." Dave sat nearby playing games on his ipad, haha! He was there if I needed something, but as he told me later "you were doing this thing on your own, you really didn't need me!" Emotionally I wanted him near. But physically I felt very in control.

The midwife assistant arrived around 7pm and brought dinner for Dave and both of them. Normally I love Macaroni Grill but the smell of it made me want to throw up... this is where peppermint oil on a warm rag came to the rescue! I sniffed it and it eased my stomach.

My midwife got the second IV going. Just as it finished, labor was getting super intense.

Finally I got in the tub at this point. It was a little too warm and I quickly got overheated and got out. About 45 min later contractions were super painful. I decided to get in again. I kept mentally telling myself I had a long way to go so I wouldn't get discouraged. I didn't realize I was in transition at this point. I got in the tub and after a few contractions I was taken by surprise and my water broke! With my last 2 when my water broke, the babies were born in the next contraction. I was in shock, excited, and bracing myself for what was coming next. I knew this was the final hurdle and it would be over. David was behind me outside of the tub, letting me lean my head on his shoulder and holding my hand. This was when I needed him most. He is my rock. I had a couple hard contractions after that with no urge to push, nothing. I started thinking "what if she doesn't come for a long time... I don't know if I could handle that!" Finally I had a contraction and pushed with all my strength. Then another. Her head was out! Then the most intense part... her body still inside! Never had that happen but it was.... wow... no words to describe! All I could think was "get this baby OUT OF ME!!!!" I pushed like my life depended on it for a 58 seconds straight (but it felt like 5 min!) as the midwife worked to compact her and gently guide her out. Even in that moment, when the pain was at it's peak I remember clarity of mind to breathe (I had hyperventilated with McKayla), call out to the Lord, and pay attention to my body. I knew I needed to push but was trying not to force it. At last she was out and they handed this wet little baby girl to me and I just cried. We all cried. The only thing on my mind was what I blurted out... "God, you are so good to me!" I just rejoiced in His presence, His guiding hand, His peace, and the healthy arrival of a new sweet one to join our family. Overwhelmed!!!

At first her hair looked dark but it was wet. When she got cleaned up we noticed it was more of a copper brown/auburn shade. Beautiful! And a thick head of it. When I compared baby pics, she looked the most like McKayla. Tiny little facial features, petite and sweet.

My placenta had some issues coming out, so I was quickly moved to the bed. It was collapsing on itself and my midwife was afraid it would create blood clots. Finally we got it out and were able to move on. Baby girl got weighed, cleaned up, a was given a full examination. We got all our postpartum instructions and Mary Anne and Kelly worked hard to clean up everything. Let me tell ya, they leave your house cleaner than it was before! They are fantastic like that. By now, I was hungry and the Mac Grill sounded good this time! :) David heated some up for me and we sat in bed admiring our baby and eating pasta. She had been nursing like a pro for about an hour now. Which is a good thing because her blood sugar was low, just like Asher's was after birth. Thank God she nursed easily and we were able to bring it back up. Her agapar score was a perfect 10, and she weighed in at 8lb 2oz, only 1oz more than Asher.

They left around 10:00pm and it was glorious to sit in bed and cuddle baby girl. We were super tired. We had a good first night with a couple feedings and the next day it was like vacation. Just us and our little baby, watching movies and eating yummy bbq the neighbor brought. I always love that first little 24 hours! David played a super sweet song for me he had been saving. I cried... like a baby :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7gjwS13smI

My friend Melanie had relieved Kim of the kids midday and took them to chickfila for dinner and brought them home. I loved their expressions!!! The girls were in shock. So excited!!! So in love! They were just 2 and 4 when Asher was born so this time was so different. They wanted to hold her, to cuddle her. Gabrielle said "I just can't believe this!" and she teared up a bit. We talked about how amazing it was that God created her - knit her - in my womb. Only God can do that. I saw on her face the awe of His power to create such a little life. McKayla just wanted to cuddle her and had a look of shock.... "oh. my. gosh!" she kept saying! haha. Asher came in and was like "whatevs." Then went to play trains. lol! Love it. Later he was crying when we were taking pics... I think he was just exhausted and not sure what was going on!?

Now here we were! A family of 6. Dave was home the next few days, thank God. It was an adjustment and a lot going on and very little sleep. He went back to work on Monday. My friend Julie came and got the girls around lunchtime to spend the night. My mom got here the next night and the girls came back. I was starting to feel like zombie mom at this point and my mom was a huge help. We worked to get a routine established back, because the kids really need that and do best with structure. Everyone's attitudes were quite interesting to say the least! We had to get a plan. Dave and I went out to grab a burger and figure out a schedule. I felt like suddenly we were the Van Trap family and needed a whistle and marching orders to keep things running smoothly! GOSH. I would much rather fly by the seat of my pants and be carefree, but with 4 kids we need at least a general agenda! They are all such different ages and stages and have different needs.

The last week and a half has been really great. Finally getting more sleep, school back in full swing and I feel so good. It's so nice to move around the house without the huge boulder belly! I've lost all but 9lbs and can fit into most of my clothes. This has never happened so quickly, but in case you wanna hate on me, let me tell you it does not come natural! I worked so so hard at it. After some nightmare post-pardum bodies (one of which took a year and a half to regain!), maybe after the 4th I finally figured a few things out!? haha. I started back some strength training last week and it feels so good.

Hormonally I feel I am doing so great. The pregnancy hormone demon has left me and I am crazy hopeful and happy and calm! Gabrielle has practically told me every day "mom, I've really noticed a change in you." I keep thinking "was I that bad!?" Yikes, apparently so! I feel amazing. I have my moments, but just glory in the fact that Eisley is on the outside and I'm not pregnant anymore.

I'm not pregnant anymore.

And all the people said amen! Thank you Jesus. For the journey, for your mercy, for the crazy love and good gifts you daily lavish on us.

Our prayer is that sweet little Eisley Aviana grows up to be a true living picture of "bright freedom." A bright glowing ray of hope to all who meet her, that freedom in Jesus is liberating, joyful, and creates a life lived to its fullest. May she be full of passion and zeal and not become entangled in the yoke of bondage that legalism, self-righteousness, bondage, and comparison bring. May Galatians 5:1 be true of you, sweet girl...

"Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free."

I am crazy blessed. And sleepy. And happy.